Harnessing the Benefits of Inductive Discipline

As you might have surmised from my writings, I am absolutely fascinated by all aspects of Peaceful Parenting. I want to know the whys as much as I want to know the hows of it. So, when new information crosses my radar, I’m all over it. That’s what happened when I came across the term inductive discipline.

The Background

Back in 1967, two researchers, M.L. Hoffman and H.D. Saltzstein, published a paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. They had conducted a study in which they assessed 7th graders on their moral development and correlated that data with measures of parental discipline. Leading into the study, they noted an interest in capturing information about the impact of parental practices on the internalization of moral values and the capacity for guilt. Prior research had studied two styles of discipline in particular:

  • Power Assertive Discipline which is a “moral orientation based on the fear of external detection and punishment… associated with the relatively frequent use of discipline techniques involving physical punishment and material deprivation” (Hoffman and Saltzstein 45)
  • Love-Oriented Discipline which is a “moral orientation characterized by independence of external sanctions and high guilt… associated with relative frequent use of nonpower assertive discipline” (Hoffman and Saltzstein 45)

In the simplest terms, Power Assertive Discipline generally relies on force to control children, whereas Love-Oriented Discipline generally relies on neglect. In the 1967 study, however, the researchers introduced another wrinkle. They juxtaposed Power Assertive Discipline and Nonpower Assertive Discipline in order to investigate some discrepancies they had picked up in the research. To do that, they split Nonpower Assertive Discipline in two: love withdrawal and induction. Induction refers to “techniques in which the parent points out the painful consequences of the child’s act for the parent or for others” (Hoffman and Saltzstein 46). And, this is where it gets interesting. Check out what they discovered.

  1. Power assertion was associated with weak moral development.
  2. Love withdrawal was associated with negative moral development.
  3. Induction was associated with advanced moral development.

The fundamental difference among these approaches is that:

…as much animal and human learning research has now shown, what is learned will depend on the stimuli to which the organism is compelled to attend. Disciplinary techniques explicitly or implicitly provide such a focus. Both love withdrawal and power assertion direct the child to the consequences of his behavior for the actor, that is, for the child himself, and to the external agent producing these consequences. Induction, on the other hand, is more apt to focus the child’s attention on the consequences of his actions for others, the parent, or some third party. This factor should be especially important in determining the content of the child’s standards. That is, if transgressions are followed by induction, the child will learn that the important part of transgressions consists of the harm done to others (Hoffman and Saltzstein 54).

Did you catch it? Shift the focus. When we shift the focus of behavior from the child to the child’s impact, something changes. We engage empathy and studies have evidenced the fact that the ability to mentalize the experiences of others… can lead us to take prosocial steps to reduce their pain.

Why Should You Care?

I’m going to yield this section to Dr. Gwen Dewar of ParentingScience.com who formulated a clear and compelling case for the use of inductive discipline. This list is fantastic! The entire article is wonderful and I highly recommend you read it.

1. Warm, responsive parenting promotes secure attachments, and protects kids from developing internalizing problems.

2. The children of authoritative parents are less likely than the children of authoritarian parents to engage in drug and alcohol use, juvenile delinquency, or other antisocial behavior (e.g., Lamborn et al 1991; Steinberg et al 1992; Querido et al 2002; Benchaya et al 2011; Luyckx et al 2011).

3. Talking with kids about thoughts and feelings may strengthen attachment relationships and make kids into better “mind readers.”

4. Parents who avoid reprimanding kids for intellectual mistakes (e.g., “I’m disappointed in you”) may have kids who are more resilient problem-solvers and better learners (Kamins and Dweck 1999; Schmittmann et al 2006; van Duijvenvoorde et al 2008).

5. Encouraging independence in kids is linked with more self-reliance, better problem solving, and improved emotional health (e.g., Turkel and Tezer 2008; Rothrauff et al 2009; Lamborn et al 1991; Pratt et al 1988; Kamins and Dweck 1999; Luyckx et al 2011).

6. An authoritative approach to discipline may help prevent aggression and reduce peer problems in preschoolers (e.g., Choe et al 2013; Yamagata 2013).

7. Kids with warm, responsive parents are more likely to be helpful, kind, and popular.

How Can We Use This Knowledge?

Let’s start by considering what “inductive” means. You may have heard the phrase inductive reasoning, which means making specific observations that lead to a general theory. For instance, a child might induce from burning their hand on a hot car hood that hot car hoods can be dangerous for people. Induction is an effective teaching method for children, because it gives them room to form hypotheses about their lives. By the same token, it can result in false assumptions, so we have to make sure we’re providing accurate, truthful information alongside our explanations of genuine, logical outcomes. So, what do we do in practice?

Manage Our Own Emotions: While it’s important to be honest with our children, too much honesty about our feelings while emotions are intense can become oppressive. Did your child hurt you deeply? Make you feel you couldn’t trust them? Embarass you? These are big adult feelings and you’re feeling them with your adult heart and mind. It will not serve your child to express your personal disappointment in them, as doing so places the focus on the child and not on the child’s impact. When the crisis has passed, it’s ok to use “I” statements to reflect on the impact your child’s actions had on you. For instance, “I felt hurt when you told me you hated me. I know that you said it in anger. I’ve said hurtful things too when I was angry. Can we talk about what happened so we understand each other better?”

Start with the Three Rs: Regulate (or Co-Regulate), Relate, and Reason. Walking with your child through these steps is the most effective way to diffuse a highly emotional situation and arrive at a place of mutual connection. Check out my post Peaceful Parenting Won’t Work on My Child for an explanation of how the Three Rs work. In short, we must first help our child come to a place of peace and balance. Then, we should empathize with our child in their distress, even when we’re feeling frustrated with their behavior. Then, and only then, can we work through the situation logically and coach our child toward a better response in the future.

Focus on Impact Without Shaming: I hope it goes without saying that angrily berating a child with “LOOK WHAT YOU DID!” is counterproductive even though it focuses on impact. When we express ourselves in this manner, we risk engendering “intense feelings of anxiety over loss of love which may disrupt the child’s response especially to the cognitive elements of the technique” (Hoffman and Saltzstein 55). Instead, it’s important to start from a place of empathy and gentleness. Name what the other person is feeling. Ask the key question, “What did you hope would happen?” and give your child the opportunity to process what led up to the challenging incident.

My son tends to lash out physically when he’s upset, and the source of his upset is all too often his little sister. She adores him to the point of annoying him. He tries different ways to get her to leave him alone until he suddenly hits or pushes her. Whenever this happens, I help my daughter first, giving her hugs and letting her know I’m there for her. Then, I turn my attention to my son. We run through the Three Rs and, once he is calm and listening, I explain that his sister got hurt when he hit/pushed her. I tell him she is sad and remind him that he loves his sister. And, I usually tell him that he can always tell me when he’s feeling upset with her, and I will help him. Often, that’s all it takes for him to walk over and offer a hug. It’s so beautifully simple when children are very young, isn’t it? These experiences are practice for adulthood when my children will be well acquainted with empathy and will know how to handle even the toughest situations.

Here’s the thing. Children learn by watching and doing. They never need to be punished in order to learn right from wrong. When we teach them what is expected of them and demonstrate the impacts of their actions, they learn. They get it. They develop a moral compass. And, then they are internally driven to do what is right, whether or not they anticipate a parent finding out what they’ve done. The science is clear on this: empathy mediates moral internalization. All we need to do is lead by example.

Switching from Public School to Homeschool

I’ve long been intrigued by the concept of homeschooling. My parents are both educators who have embraced homeschooling, though they never chose this path for themselves. In the past few weeks, when our local school system gave parents the option of in-person or virtual learning, like many of you, I went through a major ordeal trying to weigh my options. At first, I was going to send my son in. Then, I got their COVID readiness plan, and the safety precautions were awfully light. That worried me.

Nearly a year ago, my daughter was hospitalized with a virus and the fallout was harrowing. She had already been diagnosed failure to thrive at 12 months and had some growth challenges. That hospitalization rolled back months and months of work we had done trying to stabilize her health. So, even though I logically understand that the evidence supports a perspective that children’s risks with COVID are minimal, it simply wasn’t a chance I was willing to take.

So, I filled out an application for virtual learning. As the difficult days wore on, I came to realize that the virtual option would be pointless for my son. He thrives with the hands-on, customized learning he receives in special education, not traditional school moved online. I was edging ever closer to jumping into homeschooling, but uncertainty held me back. I had so many questions. How could I be as effective as a certified teacher? What if there’s something I don’t know enough to teach? What if… I fail my son?

I had to take it back to my Peaceful Parenting philosophy. I believe that children are curious, intelligent people who will learn even if they aren’t being actively taught. So, I started reading in earnest about homeschooling and how it’s done. I got a lot of advice about what worked for other people, but advice about how to make a decision for myself was sparse. So, I’m going to share with you a little of what I discovered.

First, a reminder.

"The decision that you make about school... is the right decision."

Dr. Hope Seidel
Cary Pediatric Center

In-person, virtual, or homeschooling, the decision a family makes about their children’s education during this pandemic is the right decision. Period. All the options have pros and cons, and only we can possibly reason through the impacts of the different options as they apply to our own families. If homeschooling is something that interests you, whether you plan to homeschool or not, I hope this information I’m about to lay out will be intriguing to you!

Our Process

COVID was really just the catalyst for something that was a long time coming. There had been situations along the way in our son’s public school education that had prompted lengthy discussions between Peaceful Dad and me. One of our more recent concerns was the school’s decision to host a Dr. Seuss Week during the NEA’s Read Across America initiative, even though the NEA has moved away from Dr. Seuss in favor of diversity in the past several years. We weren’t at all comfortable with our son involved in the celebration of someone as problematic as Theodor Seuss Geisel. That one issue didn’t push us away. We aren’t strangers to declining to participate in school activities that do not represent our values (e.g. not allowing our children to wear headdresses purportedly “honoring” indigenous people around Thanksgiving), even when it’s awkward. But, the convergence of so many valid reasons to withdraw BB made the chance to homeschool that much harder to resist.

Once Peaceful Dad and I made our decision, a switch flipped in my mind. I had to know all the things. I joined a bunch of groups and started absorbing information. I credit one group, in particular, for giving me a base from which to work: Secular, Eclectic, Academic (SEA) Homeschoolers. Wait, pause. Are you wondering why a clergy wife joined a secular group?? Well, because I’m super pro-science, pro-liberation for marginalized people, and so on. These are things one would expect to find in a secular, eclectic, and academic group and, trust, they didn’t disappoint.

In the SEA group, I found this amazing Homeschooling 101 document that served as my very first guide into the world of homeschooling. In short, the document goes over how to formulate a mission statement, information about state requirements for homeschoolers, an explanation of methodologies, scheduling year-round versus school calendar-based, and naming your homeschool. I highly recommend this group and, especially, that document.

Mission Statement

Since I will be the primary educator for our homeschool, I went ahead and put together an overall proposal for homeschooling to discuss with Peaceful Dad. I thought about what I wanted my mission to be. Since we’d decided to homeschool indefinitely, and not just during the pandemic, I knew I was setting the tone for the foreseeable future, so I wrote a statement that would point to the Peaceful Parents we are and that would serve us for many years to come: To invigorate our children’s curiosity and open doors to knowledge. Our mission statement doesn’t box us in, but it does remind us what it is we’re doing.

State Requirements

Our state is low regulation, but regulations still do exist. For instance, my kids have to take standardized tests starting in third grade. But, for the most part, the state doesn’t ask for the results. They don’t ask for much but a declaration of intent to homeschool. I get the sense that the requirements are a way to check in if necessary, but also a way to make the transition to a traditional school easier should the need or want arise.

If you’re curious about your own state, check out this information from the Homeschool Legal Defense Association.

Methodology

When you call to mind a vision of homeschooling, do you imagine children doing worksheets out of Christian workbooks at their kitchen table while their mother reads from the Bible? I completely admit that was basically where my mind went when I first started my journey. It’s true that Christians rather led the homeschool movement in the U.S. early on. And, it’s true that envisioning a traditional experience makes a lot of sense, because homeschooling supports were limited and the market really wasn’t replete with resources for a long time. However, these days, the homeschooling world has exploded. There are so many options from literature-based to classical to experiential to traditional to completely out of the box. Check out this video that explores the most common approaches in relatable terms.

And, then, if you’re curious, why not try a quiz to dig into what approach you’d enjoy using the most?

Homeschool.com Quiz

Eclectic-Homeschool.com Quiz

HomeschoolOn.com Quiz

Our Approach

This piece was easy for me. When I started looking into the different methodologies, I thought about the way we live out our lives and values, and the way I like to teach. My choice was Charlotte Mason (CM). The CM method is strongly literature-based, using what Miss Mason called “living books.” These are books that use narrative to describe the subject rather than the distanced, technical writing you find in textbooks. Her method is based in real life. She expected children to learn by doing everyday things, by going out into nature, and by discussing ideas with those around them. And, best of all for me, Miss Mason was utterly countercultural. She believed children were born into their personhood and deserved respect from the very start. She believed children were capable of great things and that inspiring children was far more effective than forcing or coercing them into action. She put her efforts into guiding children toward a love of God and a love of learning by gently fostering their self-motivation and moral compass. I especially love how well the CM method promises to support my Autistic child in exactly the way he learns best.

I am calling my preferred approach “eclectic Charlotte Mason” because there are such strengths in the other approaches. I like to keep an open mind, so I can act quickly to help my children if they are struggling to understand something they’re learning.

Schedule

In all areas of primary and secondary schooling, the debate rages over the right way to schedule the school year. It’s happening in the homeschooling community too. If you’re curious what the big deal is, check out this piece by ASL Rochelle. While I lean toward a year-round schedule, we’ve decided to follow our local public school system’s schedule for this first year. We didn’t want to introduce too many variables when we were just starting out and we wanted to be on the same schedule of breaks as our son’s peers.

School Name

Since I’ve already shared my school’s name in homeschooling groups, and because this blog is intended to be anonymous for the time being, I won’t be sharing the name here. But, I will say that I ultimately decided to select a name and create a logo for any future need that might arise, such as the use of letterhead. I also like the way it gives me closure to have a name and a logo. This is the new way and we’re leaving the old way behind. Please note that most states (including my own) do not appear to require a school to be named.

Curriculum

Even though I’m very new, I’m noticing that many folks brand new to homeschooling seem to jump immediately to “which curriculum should I use?” There’s a lot more decision-making to do before then! I’ve placed this Curriculum section last for that reason. We chose a CM-inspired curriculum called Blossom and Root. Peaceful Dad and I have decided to supplement with Kate Snow’s classical-inspired math series until our son has a good grasp of number sense before moving onto anything more rigorous. We need to understand how he learns math the best. In addition to our base curriculum and the math, we will also be adding a reading support supplement called Discover Reading, music and movement at home, and Spanish through the PBS show, Salsa.

It may not seem like we’re doing a lot, but you’d be surprised. The entire curriculum is gentle and largely play-based, but it’s broad and challenging at the same time. More than that, I realized something. My vision of what a homeschool day looks like was way off. Homeschool does not mean replicating traditional school at home. In traditional school, there are lots of disruptions, lots of moving from place to place, lots of waiting, etc. But, in homeschool, it’s easier to focus on work and get it finished. Check out this surprising outline explaining how long children should be focused on lessons.

How long is your homeschool day?

Preschool - 15 to 30 min
Kindergarten - 30 min to 1 hour
1st to 2nd grade - 45 mins to 1.5 hours
3rd to 4th grade - 1.5 to 3 hours
5th to 6th grade - 2.5 to 3.5 hours
7th to 8th grade - 3 to 4.5 hours
High School - 3.5 to 6 hours

Wild, right? Our decision to choose a CM-inspired approach works especially well as lessons are very brief but highly focused.

Our plan is to spend no more than 40 minutes per weekday morning on school and to finish up by 11 AM. BB will be getting a lot more outside time and free play than he did while he was in public school. We’ll also have leisurely lunches, more variety in terms of locations for the lessons, and a truly customized educational experience.

Once I got over my initial fears, everything started to fall into place. And, now, I’m really looking forward to starting school in a few short days! It really doesn’t matter what methodology you choose as long as it’s one that works for both you and your children. There is no perfect methodology. Homeschool graduates from every approach across the board end up in college and in successful careers. Homeschool provides an opportunity to shift gears to a different curriculum or an altogether different approach if a child needs something new to learn their best.

Whether you’re just curious or you’re trying to decide on COVID homeschooling or, like me, you’re transitioning to homeschooling for the duration, know this. Your child will thrive in homeschool, because your child has YOU.

Review: 6th Ave Second Hand

A couple weeks ago, I was contacted by Katie Hesterberg, owner of 6th Ave Second Hand, a baby and children’s clothing consignment store/online thrift store out of Tacoma, Washington. She offered me a box to try out and review. Of course I was interested! With two kids growing out of clothes every season, I’m always on the lookout for ways to find quality clothing and save money at the same time. I was curious how this concept came about, so I asked Katie to tell me her story.

When I was pregnant with my first baby, I lived in Mobile, AL. I wanted to buy everything used but there weren’t any second hand stores there. So I ordered everything through eBay, or met up with moms I found on craigslist.

Now I live in Tacoma, WA, where there are some really great second hand stores! Three years ago, my friend and I saved a store that was about to close, due to the owners retiring and we now co-own it. It’s famous for its $0.25 sales, where there are huge tables of clothes for only $0.25. These are the overstock that people bring to us, but we don’t have room for on the racks.

I started to see that there are so many used kids clothes in this country that need homes, and of course I remember that it was harder to find second hand kids stuff in some places.

So I started this other business on my own (my business partner from the other store wasn’t interested) where I ship these surprise boxes all over the US.

If you’ve been following this blog, you’ll know I am inclined toward equity and justice. Unfortunately, fast fashion causes harm to both the environment and people. According to BusinessInsider.com, “Fashion production makes up 10% of humanity’s carbon emissions, dries up water sources, and pollutes rivers and streams. What’s more, 85% of all textiles go to the dump each year. And washing some types of clothes sends thousands of bits of plastic into the ocean.” And, sadly, as we know it can be difficult to trace the source of our clothes, so we can’t know how ethically they have been produced. We’ve got to clothe our kids, so what can we do? Buy second-hand clothes. The more we recycle what we already have, the more we mitigate the negative impacts of fast fashion. Now, I don’t shop strictly second-hand, but I do prioritize recycling clothes. And, as my friends will tell you, I am always grateful for hand-me-downs!

I was sold on Katie’s offer to try a box! So, I checked out the website where I found that the shop offers clothing from newborn all the way through size 8 in the following boxes: the Surprise Clothing Box ($29), the New Baby Essentials Box ($39), the Bigger Surprise Clothing Box ($49), and the School Age Clothing Box ($59). You can also find sleep sacks, pajamas, and swim suits. What sets this store apart for me is that you can choose by season and style! If you choose a style, you will receive a curated box that reflects one of seven options: Classics, Graphics, Hippie, Super Comfy, Athletic, Girly, and Hipster.

I placed my order on July 8th for a Surprise Clothing Box of 3T girls items in Hipster style for the fall season, and I received it on July 13th, just three business days later. The box arrived in good condition, and I opened it to find a set of carefully rolled up Hipster clothes all of which were stain and hole free, and fresh smelling.

When I pulled them out, I found seven pieces, several of which work well together. With the box’s $29 value, each piece was just over $4, which is a better deal than my local thrift store. The number of clothes in each box does differ based on size and season, but the value will be fantastic whatever you end up receiving. For $29, Katie shopped for me and styled my child. That is a huge benefit to this particular service. And, did I mention that the price per box includes shipping?! Such a great deal!

If you’re interested in shopping second-hand for your kids and you’re looking for an easier way than rifling through the clothes at your local thrift store, consider snagging yourself a box. It’s so worth it!

How Self-Control Develops

ZerotoThree.org, an organization that focuses on development in the first three years of life, found that 56% of parents they surveyed in 2016 believed that their toddlers had the ability to resist doing something they were told not to do before the age of three. And, of those, 18% believed that children had this ability by only six months of age. Let me be clear in saying that it’s impossible for an infant or a young toddler to habitually exercise self-control. Their brains are incapable of this feat. So, let’s talk about it.

Self-Regulation versus Self-Control

Before we launch too far into this piece, I need to make a distinction for your understanding. As I’ve noted before, self-regulation and self-control are two very different things. Dr. Stuart Shanker of Psychology Today explains,

There is a profound difference between self-regulation and self-control. Self-control is about inhibiting strong impulses; self-regulation, reducing the frequency and intensity of strong impulses by managing stress-load and recovery. In fact, self-regulation is what makes self-control possible, or, in many cases, unnecessary. The reason lies deep inside the brain.

In this piece, I’ll be talking about both.

Birth to Twelve Months

Newborn and very young infants have not yet discovered that they exist apart from their parents. They have no concept of self-control during this phase. They simply communicate their needs and wants in the only ways they know how. During this time, young infants begin to build self-regulation skills through co-regulation with their caregivers.

The development of self-regulation starts young. Very young. As part of an intensive report prepared for several federal agencies back in 1991, researchers conducted an extensive literature review of studies on infant attachment. The goal of the overall project was to critique the literature review, identify research gaps, and build a consensus for an interdisciplinary research agenda, one that has influenced our understanding of infant brain development over the past 30 years. One clear outcome emerged from the literature. Secure attachment results in “ego resiliency,” which is our adaptability to stressors. It is the capacity that allows us to resist lashing out emotionally under stress. And, it all starts at birth.

By the seven month mark, infants begin to realize that they are separate from their caregivers. This early skill is necessary several years down the road when young children begin recognize that other people have emotions. Starting from about seven months, infants also begin to understand that they can control the movements of their bodies and their personalities start to emerge. This is a time of problem solving and much motor development.

At the end of the first year, most babies can understand a wide range of vocabulary and make some speech sounds themselves. They can typically move themselves around their space and recognize basic boundaries. However, they are still too young to be able to control their impulses without adult assistance.

Twelve to Thirty-Six Months

From twelve to thirty-six months, toddlers are really coming into their own. They might express their wants and needs with a sharp “no” or a jolly “yes.” They’re experiencing independence for the first time and it is thrilling. With independence, though, comes more boundaries. And, toddlers don’t quite get the need for them. At this stage, they don’t have the life experience to recognize cause and effect in a way that older kids do. They’re pretty good with simple guidelines when we remind them, but they may not bring them to mind when they’re about to do something we’d prefer they didn’t. Add to that their lack of impulse control and you have a potential conflict between parent and child. However, resist the desire to punish! Understand that your child is doing the best they can. Check out this post about punishment to understand why it’s problematic.

At this stage, toddlers still don’t have reliable self-control, though their self-regulation may be coming along very well. This is the perfect time to deploy the Three Rs in earnest. Toddlers understand empathy and need our understanding to work through their emotions. You can also model your process of self-regulation by talking through your own experiences. For instance, if you’re at the store and you find they’re out of something you were hoping to purchase, you might say, “Oh no! They don’t have what I needed. I feel angry. I really wanted that. Ok, let me think. Maybe another store has the same thing. I’m going to finish shopping here and then go somewhere else.”

Thirty-Six Months and Beyond

Older toddlers and preschoolers have a better grasp on boundaries and limits, but they still don’t have access to the level of impulse control they need to exercise self-control consistently. They still need an adult to help guide them. And, there’s evidence that tells us the effort we put into our children now pays dividends in the future.

A 2016 study published in the journal, Social Development, sought to examine associations between parental responsiveness and executive function, which is a key component of self-regulation. The population they chose is notable. They selected 3-5 year old socioeconomically disadvantaged preschoolers, thereby mitigating many of the confounding factors present in other populations. What they found was that “higher parental responsiveness predicted greater gains in both delay inhibition and conflict EF over time.” In short, warm parenting improved the children’s ability to wait (i.e. delayed gratification) and their ability to choose or not choose to do a task based on who is demanding it (e.g. Simon Says).

It may be difficult to believe, but children do not begin to have the ability to exercise self-control until 3 1/2 at the earliest but typically closer to 4. Again, that’s the start of self-control. We cannot expect a child under the age of 4 to be able to resist doing the things we’ve told them not to do without our supervision and support. With this information in hand, it may be easier for us to approach our children with their developmental stage in mind. We might try redirecting them to other activities, giving directions in simple terms, limiting their access to danger zones, and other similar methods to gently enforce limits around them without putting too much pressure on them to do more than they cognitively can.

How to Support the Development of Self-Control

Start first by supporting your child’s natural development of self-regulation. The most straightforward way to do this is by co-regulating, being there physically with your child as they experience emotions and frustrations. Model ways to deal with upset and conflict. Give unlimited affection. Avoid punishments and rewards. And, give your child time to grow. Your exercise of patience is crucial.

Licensed Social Worker, Brandy Wells, offers the following advice on helping children with self-regulation:

1 Rest and Nutrition!
We have all seen how lack of sleep, dehydration, or a hungry stomach can derail a day! If we want to teach kids social-emotional skills, we also need to attend to their rest and nutrition. Sometimes what a tantrum-throwing toddler needs most in the moment is a snack or a nap.

2 Breath[e] in the Fresh Air
Provide opportunities for free play and outdoor play. Let the energy out. Increased heart rate = more blood flow to the brain = more brain power. When my older daughter starts to feel emotionally dysregulated, she often takes a walk in the fresh air. As her body begins to fill with happy hormones, her affect becomes calmer. You can also check out these active games that support self-regulation.

3 Blow Away Troubles
Blowing bubbles is a kid-friendly way to practice deep breathing — and deep breathing calms the body down. Plus, who doesn’t like bubbles?! When you blow bubbles too quickly or too slow, it doesn’t work. You need to breathe from the belly, at a regular tempo. Speaking of deep breathing, yoga is another great way for kids to connect with their bodies and stay focused and calm. Try adding 15 minutes a day or a quick session after a meltdown.

4 Read All About It!
Read books about emotions as a way to discuss all the feelings kids have. I love Todd Parr’s books (including The Feelings Book and It’s Okay To Be Different) and the way he displays an array of feeling vocabulary. In addition, sensory “touch and feel” books can help hold your child’s attention during reading time and stimulate their senses.

5 Listen Up!
Calm music can help settle children down. And fun, simple songs can help children remember self-regulation strategies. Check out these Daniel Tiger songs about anger, taking turns, and waiting.

As you’ve read, self-control comes later, around the age of 4. You can help your child practice self-control by playing games like Red Light, Green Light. Help your child reason through difficult situations, all while empathizing with them in their distress. Give your child opportunities to choose between instant gratification and delayed gratification. For instance, “We can go to the park today and get ice cream tomorrow or we can get ice cream now and go to the park tomorrow. Which would you like to do?” And, of course, provide your child with consistent limits and be willing to negotiate those limits.

Additional Readings for More Effective Parenting

A Single Change Makes All the Difference

Talking Doesn’t Work With My Kid

One Cure for Whining

Three Words That Will Calm Your House

Want to Stop Punishing Your Kids? Here’s How.

Curbing Aggression in Young Kids

We Don’t Really Want to Force Our Kids to Share

Fostering Competent Eating

Gentle Support for Your Resistant Child

Curbing Aggression in Young Kids

Almost all children will go through periods where they lash out in some way and spitting, hitting, biting, and kicking seem to be the most common behaviors. What should you do when your child lets loose? It’s critical to understand what underlies the behavior. We could fancy ourselves investigators for this purpose. What precipitated the event? Here’s a list of replies your child might give you if they could.

  • I just felt like it.
  • I need your attention.
  • I need freedom. Give me space.
  • I’m tired.
  • I’m hungry.
  • It’s too noisy in here.
  • My sibling took my toy.
  • Stop touching me!
  • You’re not listening to me.
  • This is fun!
  • I’m frustrated.
  • Let me do it my way.
  • I saw my sibling doing this and I wanted to try.
  • I was curious what would happen.
  • I’m anxious.
  • My body doesn’t feel good.

Addressing Needs

Both my 2 year old and my 4 year old spit, hit, bite, and kick at one time or another, so I completely understand the frustration and that gut feeling of wanting to react in an unkind way. But stop! Stop for a minute and think about what’s happening. Let’s categorize the “whys” for greater understanding.

Attention

I need your attention.
You’re not listening to me.

Sadly, we’ve been conditioned to see children as annoyances who drain our time and our energy. We don’t want to “give in” when our kids express their need for our attention in undesirable ways. However, empathetic communication actually increases well-being. It’s not simply a way to meet our children’s needs. It also improves our relationship. If your child needs your attention, try a little active listening.

Some of the pitfalls I face when it comes to listening to my kids include thinking of something else while my child is communicating, trying to figure out what I’m going to say next, and attempting to manipulate the direction of the conversation. If you’re anything like me, one or more of those statements might resonate.

Professional communicator and educator, Julian Treasure, recommends a four-step approach to listen with investment:

  1. Receive: Absorb what the child is telling you
  2. Appreciate: Pause and think
  3. Summarize: Paraphrase what you’ve understood
  4. Ask: Learn more

If you know your child needs your attention, give it freely. Silence those harmful voices telling you not to spoil your child. You cannot spoil a child with love and affection. Quite the contrary, kids who are perceived as spoiled tend to be those children who have a) not had their boundaries respected so they react with belligerence or b) not been given enough attention and therefore do not trust that their needs will be met.

Boundaries

I need freedom. Give me space.
My sibling took my toy.
Stop touching me!
Let me do it my way.

In our childist culture, it’s easy to get caught up in “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine” thinking when it comes to children. We’ve got to work toward flipping that perspective around and radically respecting our children’s autonomy.

Years ago, sexuality educator, Deanne Carson, made headlines when she advocated for asking infants if it was ok to give them a diaper change. She acknowledged that they wouldn’t be able to consent, but said that asking for consent and pausing to acknowledge them lets children know that their response matters.

I fully admit that I scoffed at her comments at the time, even though I was already three years into my Peaceful Parenting journey, as I was sorely lacking an understanding of childism.

Yes, you can let your baby know you’re about to change their diaper. Consent does start from birth and it never ends. We must prioritize navigating our children’s demands for bodily autonomy and their health-related needs. It’s not easy or simple, but it’s our responsibility.

If you know your child is enforcing a boundary, respect it. Bottom line. For guidance on helping siblings through the tough task of sharing/turn-taking, check out this article.

Discomfort

I’m tired.
I’m hungry.
It’s too noisy in here.
I’m anxious.
My body doesn’t feel good.
I’m frustrated.

Discomfort shows up physically and mentally. Both are completely real and valid. In our culture, we tend to tell children how they’re feeling. We dismiss skinned knees with “You’re ok” and toileting urgency with “You just went!” Children are too often forced into the constraints of our schedules and whims, and it’s not ok. Kids deserve for their needs to be met. Where the dominant culture tells us that our children are manipulatinrg us, it is incumbent upon us as Peaceful Parents to reject that perspective wholesale. If our children need to use the bathroom, they will. If they feel sick, we listen. If they are anxious, we soothe.

And, a note to those who fear all this responsiveness will lead to spoiling children. It won’t, but as we get into more complex needs, our responses may need to evolve. All children need accomodations, some more than others. Autistic Mama wrote a fantastic piece called Are You Accommodating or Coddling Your Autistic Child and really it applies to all children. In it, she explains:

The line between accommodating and coddling boils down to one specific question.

What is the Goal?
You have to ask yourself, what is the goal here?

Let me give you an example…

Let’s say your child has a history assignment and is supposed to write two paragraphs on the civil war.

What is the goal of this assignment?

To prove knowledge of history.

Now any tool or strategy that doesn’t take away from that goal is an accommodation, not coddling.

So typing instead of writing? Accommodation.

Verbally sharing knowledge of the civil war? Accommodation.

Writing a list of civil war facts instead of using paragraphs? Accommodation.

Because the goal of the assignment is a knowledge of history, not the way it’s shared.

We can empower our children to solve their own problems by showing them how to be problem-solvers from a young age. We can teach our children to ask for what they need and demonstrate that their needs matter by obliging their requests. As they get older, we can empower them to seek reasonable accommodations in a variety of environments by considering what needs they must have met in order to succeed and to advocate for themselves.

I would be remiss not to mention one thing here of great importance to the Autistic community. AUTISTIC PEOPLE ARE NOT INHERENTLY VIOLENT. Violence is not a criteria for diagnosis. So many people ponder why it seems like Autistic children tend toward aggression. Well, imagine having to endure all the little things you dislike (flavors, sounds, textures, etc.) all the time and then being treated as though you’re a burden for asking for it to stop. You might be driven to aggression as well. It’s hard being Autistic in a world that isn’t made for you. Meet the needs of Autistic kids and you’ll see a drastic decline in any aggression.

If you know your child is uncomfortable, try to help relieve that discomfort. Some children are unable to clear saliva and may spit or drool as a result. This happened to my son before we had his tongue tie revised. If your child is anxious, try these measures. Whatever is going wrong, seek out a solution to support your child rather than punishing them.

Play

This is fun!
I saw my sibling doing this and I wanted to try.
I was curious what would happen.
I just felt like it.

Our children’s top job is to learn through play. We must leave some room for childlikeness, even when it comes to things that are as upsetting as aggression. As strange as it might seem to us, children do many things because they’re testing out how their bodies move and what effect they can have on their environment.

If you know your child is playing, try directing their play into a form that is more conducive to your family’s lifestyle. Getting down on the ground to wriggle around kicking can be fun. Just make sure the goal truly is play or your actions could come across as mocking.

Tips for Interrupting Aggression

  • Respond Gently. First and foremost, try not to meet force with force. Understand that children start out several steps ahead of us in terms of emoting because of their stage of brain development. The calmer we are, the better we can respond. And, if you need to physically stop your child from harming you, use the least force you possibly can.
  • State Your Boundary. Let your child know your expectation in clear, unambiguous terms. Try “I know you want to hit me because you’re angry. I can’t let you” or “I won’t let you hurt me.”
  • Engage the Three Rs. When you need to engage with a dysregulated child, remember to Regulate, Relate, and Reason. For many children, just acknowledging and empathizing alone will resolve the aggression, so that you can work toward meeting the need.
  • Give Your Child an Alternative. Understand that there are two types of aggression: the type you can mediate, like hitting and the type you can’t, like spitting. You can stop a child from hitting, biting, and throwing. You can’t stop a child from spitting, peeing, or pooping. In all cases, it’s crucial to address the underlying need, but you may also be able to introduce an alternative such as giving a child a chewie to chomp in place of spitting or even a towel to spit into. Whatever alternative you choose must be desirable to your child and easy to access when the need calls.
  • Resolve the Underlying Need. I cannot stress enough how important this one is. You’ve got to figure out what’s going wrong for your child and help them fix the problem. Recently, my son was pushing my daughter down over and over while I was out of the room. I could hear it, but I didn’t know what was happening. So, I walked in to observe and I saw that she kept standing too close to him as he was building a train out of blocks. He would ignore it for a while and then push her down. Then, she’d cry and he would destroy his train in response to the sound of her wails. The solution was simple. Help the kids regulate and then invite my daughter to help me in the other room.
  • Give Children the Words. Kids do not instinctively know how to ask for what they need. I hear a lot of parents telling children to “Use your words.” Let me tell you how very unhelpful that is! Parents, please use YOUR words. Give your child the language they should use to have their needs met, even if you have to do it over and over and even if you have to ask questions to get there. The more you model how to use language under stress, the more capable your children will be in following suit.
  • Avoid Confusing Messaging. While you’re giving your child the words, remember that children think in very concrete terms. There’s a series of books by Elizabeth Verdick called the Best Behavior Series and it includes such titles as Teeth Are Not for Biting, Feet Are Not For Kicking, and Voices are Not For Yelling. Read those titles again… carefully. How do we chew our food without biting? How do we swim without kicking? And how to we call out for help without yelling? It’s not logical, so it’s not going to make a lot of sense to a child. Kids might learn in spite of these messages, but it’s best to avoid them if possible.
  • Consider an Assessment. If your child’s aggression doesn’t seem to be manageable using any of the tips above, consider that something deeper may be going on and that you might not have all the information you need to meet their needs. Put aside concerns about stigma and work with a professional to help you and your child understand what’s happening.

Why I Don’t Say I’m My Kids’ Friend

For very important anti-childist, anti-authoritarian reasons, many peaceful parents promote friendship between parents and children. Yet, I struggle with the concept of being in a friend relationship with my children for similar reasons why I don’t believe people who support marginalized communities can declare themselves allies. I can’t dictate to my children how they will regard me. I can demonstrate to them the qualities of friendship and how positive relationships work, but I will simultaneously be working out my anti-childist journey. While they remain children, there will be tension in the balance of power and fragile progress in my unlearning of childism. It’s not as simple as declaring myself their friend and then palling it up with them.

It’s up to my children to decide how they will characterize our relationship. I can provide many of the wonderful qualities of friendship like honesty, acceptance, and respect, but I am also responsible for teaching, guiding, and protecting. It’s… complicated. If they don’t view me as a friend, I’ll be ok.

Truth be told, I completely understand and agree with the reasoning behind why parents want to be friends with their kids. I don’t think it’s strange at all that adults and children enjoy friendship. Obviously, the content of such friendships is different from adult-adult friendships. For instance, we should never burden children with our adult worries. But, we already know that different friendships manifest in different ways. We have coworker friends that we go to lunch with but may never see outside the office. We have childhood friends who remain in our lives but at a distance. We have mom friends online who know our deepest, darkest secrets but whom we may never meet in person. Friendship is not a one size fits all scenario. Adult-child friendships are cool as long as there’s a high degree of propriety and a complete absence of abusive behavior. I hope someday to achieve the status of “friend” to my children and here’s why.

Friends are their own complete people first and foremost. It’s one thing to want to be close to another person and another to be codependent. Friends have their own separate identities, needs, and wants, and they have mutual respect of all these things.

Friends care and are invested in each other. Friendship involves a selflessness in that friends pay attention to each other and elevate each other’s needs.

Friends have integrity. They are trustworthy and dependable. They tell the truth, even when it’s unpleasant. And, they do these things with the intent to uplift and never to tear down.

Friends improve morale. Friends offer a self-esteem boost. It feels good when people want you around and even better when they go out of their way to seek you out. As social creatures, humans need friendships for our mental health and this aspect of friendship in no small way explains why.

Friends believe in each other. It is so important to have people in our lives who know us well and understand us. One of the most critical aspects of friendship is being trusted.

Friends forgive. All relationships experience decline and growth. When we mess up, we have to know that our friends love us enough to mend the bond and move forward even stronger than before.

Friends listen and support. Good friends know when they need to be quiet and listen intently. They empathize and seek to support their friends in the most helpful ways whether that means validating feelings or giving advice or even riding out to take care of business when the situation calls for it.

Friends give and take. Allowing for free flowing reciprocity is so important. Friends don’t need to keep score. They just need to provide whatever support is required and ask for what they themselves need. That’s how friends show up for each other in the good times and bad.

There isn’t a single thing in that list that doesn’t also apply to my hopes for parenthood. This is the type of parent I want to be, which means there must be room for friendship in my relationship with my children. How that will end up looking is anyone’s guess. It’s going to develop organically, fostered with love and intentionality. I will demonstrate friendship to my children whether or not they consider me their friend and, maybe in time, I’ll hear those sweet words “You’re my best friend, mommy.” What an awesome day that would be!

In Defense of Unlimited Screen Time

Did y’all see the study from November 2019 that found screen use greater than the amount recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics was associated with decreased microstructural organization and myelination of brain white matter tracts that support language and emergent literacy skills? Big yikes! Does that mean screens cause brain damage? That’s certainly a question I’ve seen floating around the internet. Parents are rightfully concerned about screen time when study after study shows these terrible outcomes.

There’s that 2013 literature review on screen time use in children under the age of three. Bad news.

And, that 2015 literature review on the effects of screen time on children’s sleep found. Terrible stuff.

And, that 2018 literature review on the physiological and psychological effects of screentime. You might as well just give up at this point.

And, that whole Research Roundup that seems to exist to fill parents with dread. Oh, the horror!

But, check this out.

The 2013 review found that there is very little research on infants and toddlers and that more research is needed to better understand the environmental, socio-cultural, and behavioral correlates for young children.

The 2015 review found that none of the studies they looked at from 1999-2014 could establish a causal connection, measurement errors of screen time exposure and sleep limited the outcomes of the studies, and factors like characteristics and content of screens was not well understood.

And, the 2018 review found that psychophysiological resilience in children requires the ability to focus, good social coping and attachment, and good physical health all of which could be impacted by “excessive” digital media use. They further recommend more research on duration, content, after-dark use, media type, and number of devices.

In fact, there’s a 2015 literature review on the association of parental influences with physical activity and screen time among young children found that there is a causal connection between the parents’ physical activity and screen use and that of the children. It should come as no surprise that the behavior of parents directly influences the behavior of their children.

And, that first study I mentioned? The one from 2019 about how screens change the brains of little kids? If you look a little deeper, you’ll see that the sample size is both small and homogenous and that the survey and testing scores used in the study did not meet the threshold for statistical significance when income was included in the model. Those details change the story a bit.

Minding the Nuance

The reality is that there is valuable research happening, but we simply don’t understand what’s really going on. That’s why the pediatric organizations that exist to protect our kids are sounding the alarm. They’re saying look at all this data we’re seeing! Something is happening. Pay attention. So, if your family’s lifestyle flows better without any screens, by all means, do what works for you. This post is for those of you who want to incorporate screens without fear.

There are some things we can discern intuitively about screen use.

  • It can be distracting. Background sounds from a TV at low volume add static to the environment where infants and toddlers play. A measurable impact has been found on the ability of very small children to develop play skills naturally when TVs are used as noise fillers.
  • It can signal trouble. While we don’t know that screens cause depression, we do know that children who watch a lot of TV often have clinical depression that necessitates medication. So, it’s worth paying attention to what your kids are doing, so that you can intervene if necessary.
  • It can replace other healthful behaviors. A child who is watching TV or playing video games is not outside running around. And, a child who is watching TV or playing video games is not telling you about the troubles they’re having.

Now, something that doesn’t get enough air time in these discussions is the economics of restriction. Essentially, by restricting a thing, we increase its value. As explained by Pam Sorooshian, unschooler extraordinaire,

When you only allow a limited amount of TV, then the marginal utility of a little more tv is high and every other option looks like a poor one, comparatively. Watching more TV becomes the focus of the person’s thinking, since the marginal utility is so high. Relax the constraints and, after a period of adjustment and experimentation to determine accurate marginal utilities, the focus on TV will disappear and it will become just another option.

The more you restrict, the more they’ll crave screens. It can feel uncomfortable to loosen the reins and it’s pretty likely your child will consume seemingly impossible amounts of flickering deliciousness at first. But, over time, and in the presence of intentional investment in your child’s needs and wants, screens will lose their luster and become just another activity.

If you’ve been restricting your child’s screen time, because you wanted to do the best possible thing for them or because you felt their screen use was getting out of control, it’s ok. You’re not alone. Not by any means. Just know there is an approach to screen use that is responsible and respectful, whenever you’re ready.

Anti-Childist Screen Use Monitoring

One of the things about the furor over screens that particularly bothers me is the emphasis on cognition and school performance. We’re encouraged to limit our children to a screen schedule of our making, so they can possibly do better in school at some point in the future. But why? Why is academic success the measure of a good life? Why are we not prioritizing our children’s ability to regulate their own behaviors and activities by giving them ownership over the way they choose to spend their time?

We can trust our children to make good decisions when we set them up for success. In our house, I try to limit my compulsion to set rules for everyone. Whenever my kids want to watch TV, I’m ok with it. They have free access to their tablets to use as they wish. But, I also create an environment where they don’t have any desire to obsessively consume that visual stimulation. We spend lots of time outside. We read. We do chores. We play, craft, and bake together. When I see one of my kids struggling to transition from screens to another activity, I intervene. When that happens, it means there’s something deeper going on that needs to be addressed. It doesn’t mean I need to arbitrarily limit screen time. I have some guidelines for my family in the back of my mind to help ensure that I’m providing the most effective mix of activities and the best possible education around the use of screens.

  • Be Intentional. Consider using screens on purpose. That means avoiding the use of TVs as background noise and trying not to hand your kids screens to keep them occupied. Instead, let your children decide when they want to use screens and for how long. And, have them choose one screen at a time. In general, our TV doesn’t get turned on until 3 PM, if at all. There’s too much other fun stuff to do.
  • Be Interactive. Studies show that children can learn a great deal from interactive touchscreens when their parents help them and reinforce what they’re learning.
  • Be Wise. Particularly when it comes to older kids, parents need to prepare children for the risks of predators and dangerous malware. Talk to your kids about these dangers and make a plan together for how to stay safe.
  • Choose Educational Content. Programs like Sesame Street and Daniel Tiger provide important information and skills to little kids, especially when families reinforce in daily life what the kids are learning online.
  • Eat Without Distraction. One rule we do have is that our dining table is a toy-free, screen-free space when we’re having a meal. It’s a matter of mutual respect and consideration. Family meals are sacred in my house. They’re one of the few opportunities we have to get together and chat over one of the most fundamental human activities.
  • Get Plenty of Fresh Air and Exercise. Getting outside is so important for every member of the family, but especially children. They need lots and lots of movement throughout the day to improve focus, digestion, motor skills, and sleep. Rather than restricting screens, think about encouraging more movement for balance.
  • Practice Good Sleep Hygiene. The so-called warnings about blue light got a little kick in the pants this year. A study challenged the idea that blue light impacts circadian rhythms. We don’t actually know if blue light is a problem. What we do know is that stimulation of any kind interrupts our sleep cycle. In our house, all screens and radios go off at 6:30 pm. That’s our family time and we cherish the ability to interact with each other without distraction. For a great night’s sleep, keep your kids’ room very dark, relatively cool (65 to 68 degrees Fahrenheit), and comfortably quiet.

Like many parents, when I first became a mom, I was hypervigilant about everything. I stressed myself out trying to do everything by the book, until life taught me that wisdom beats out perfection every time. If you want your children to enjoy screens, let them. Formulate some guidelines for yourself and conduct self-checks to make sure your guidelines are working. Talk with your kids about your concerns. Let them know your values and also that you trust them to know what their minds and bodies need. As new evidence emerges, we’ll be in a great position to shift some of our guidelines to better support our children’s development. Screens are ok, y’all. Promise!

Do the Least Harm

As parents, we will harm our children in some way. It’s the nature of genuine relationships to expand and contract in closeness, to struggle in balancing boundaries, and to waver between selfishness and selflessness. Committing to do the least harm requires that we spend much time considering the impacts of our actions, which is what makes peaceful parenting so challenging for many of us. Reacting is easy. Thoughtfully responding to our children gets exhausting fast, even for those of us who have been doing it for a long while.

This past week, a reply to one of my Facebook posts got me thinking about my own inclination toward defensiveness around my parenting choices. I had posted a meme that compared two ways to speak gently with a child who doesn’t want to take a nap. A reader remarked that a third potential solution was to allow children to choose for themselves when they want to sleep. Gasp! I was poised to explain why their solution couldn’t work for me rather than admitting their suggestion was the gentler, more respectful approach. My childist reaction was to defend my situation whereas the anti-childist response was to simply sit with the suggestion, however uncomfortable it was.

You see, I’ve battled lifelong insomnia. Aside from medication, nothing helps. It is just one of the many symptoms of autism that I experience. My daughter appears to have the same issue with insomnia, which may or may not be a prelude to a future autism diagnosis. She can stay up for an impossible amount of time considering she’s only two. When she decides to sleep, she crashes and you can’t wake her up until she’s ready. Even then, she doesn’t sleep for long. And, we can’t leave her alone when she’s awake or she will tear the house apart. I mean, she will literally peel the paint from the walls. So someone has to stay up with her. And, that someone is always me. So my best solution has been to try to keep her on the same schedule as my son. To do that, though, I have to lie down with her every time she goes to sleep. Sometimes, she plays as we cuddle. Sometimes, she thrashes angrily because she’s so overtired. And, sometimes, I can’t get her to sleep no matter what I do and I have to get up with her to play for a while.

As she gets older, I can teach her some of the skills I’ve learned in my four decades on this planet. The reality is that she needs sleep, but she struggles to get an adequate amount. My solution to impose a schedule is not the ideal option for me as a peaceful parent. My preference will always be to give my children autonomy over their lives.

And, that’s what this reader was offering… an opportunity to make a better choice. I often hear people say things like, “every child is different,” implying that parents should have free license to use whatever approaches we deem necessary. I disagree. While every child is different, children have a right to be free from coercion, punishment, and violence. It is never okay to yell at or hit a child. And it’s not okay to pressure children to bend to the will of an adult. I can’t excuse the childism that influences the way I interact with my kids and neither should you. Our goal must be to reject childism and to choose to be anti-childist.

Ultimately, my anti-childist decision was to like react this reader’s nap alternative and withhold my defensive reaction. Other readers needed to know the clearly anti-childist solution and I needed the reminder. It’s not really about naptime at all. It’s about investigating and diminishing the adult-centric way we address the challenges our children experience.

When we are deciding how we will approach these challenges, there are some questions we need to ask ourselves and wrestle with:

What does my child need?

What do I need?

How can I address both our needs while respecting my child’s autonomy?

Are there alternatives I haven’t tried because they’re inconvenient?

How is childism affecting the decision I’m about to make?

How might this decision harm my child?

How might this decision harm our relationship?

As we seek to do the least harm, we will be challenged by people who have better solutions than the ones we’ve been using. Instead of explaining why we can’t choose the anti-childist option, let’s look for ways to incorporate those better solutions into our approaches. In doing so, our anti-childist orientation will grow and mature with the help of our partners, our children, and our peaceful parenting community.

Kids Are Perfectly Reasonable… Seriously

Ever have moments when you feel like you’re in sync with your kids and things are amazing? If so, did you know you can have even more of those moments? Kids do well when they can, and you can help them out by understanding better where they’re coming from.

First, a story. Last week, I was cleaning in the kitchen area and I thought my kids were happily playing in the living room. Suddenly, they both blew past me, my son chasing my daughter. I should clarify. My son was chasing my daughter and she had a look of dread on her little two-year-old face. They ran around the kitchen table and headed back toward me. I reached out to grab them both into a family hug in hopes of intervening in what looked like it might become a crisis. As I pulled them in, my son slapped my daughter’s hand! He was so upset and kept saying “box” which means his concern was around his Mega Bloks.

My logic center activated and I realized that he must have thought his sister had taken a Mega Blok that he meant to play with. However, there wasn’t one in her hand. I explained to them what I thought I understood had happened and they both relaxed. Then, we set out to look for the errant Mega Blok. It wasn’t anywhere to be found. I think what had happened was that she had already dropped it back in the living room or perhaps that he was simply mistaken about the circumstances. I gave them both another hug and told my son that it looked like all the Mega Bloks were in the living room if he still wanted to play with them. Both kids ran off and played together again.

My son had reacted in anger to an injustice he perceived. That’s something we can all understand. Now, because his brain is so good at thinking emotionally, his reaction was to chase his sister rather than to reason with her. But, it’s not because either child was being unreasonable! They were just think differently. And that’s ok.

Marriage and Family Therapist, Galyn Burke, put together a fantastic resource on the way children’s brains develop. She explains that the three major parts of the brain (hindbrain, midbrain, and forebrain) develop on different timelines. They have to. Our brains are complex with high energy demands. It takes a while to get everything in order.

  • The reptilian hindbrain looks like someone dropped a crocodile brain into our heads. This part of the brain serves the most basic purposes including regulating autonomic functions like breathing and instictive behaviors like threat patrol.
  • The limbic midbrain is our emotion center. It’s what allows us to be empathetic, social creatures. This is the part of the brain where children process their world.
  • The neocortex forebrain is where our rational mind lives. This part doesn’t fully develop until the mid-20s in humans. We like to think of this area as the logic center, but without the midbrain, our logic is incomplete.

Childhood is an incredibly crucial time in the life of a human being when we learn how to be human. We figure out what emotions are and how to work with them. We learn how to love each other and respect boundaries. And, we learn our personal signs of dysregulation and how to cope. If children are not treated gently and responsively, any of these skills can be hindered.

So, you know that brain development isn’t as simple as 1, 2, 3, but did you know that even babies can think logically before they can talk? Turns out, our ability to reason doesn’t depend on language or understanding. A study that came out a few years back found that preverbal infants notice when something is wrong and try to work out a solution. The scientists figured out that “at the moment of a potential deduction, infants’ pupils dilated, and their eyes moved toward the ambiguous object when inferences could be computed, in contrast to transparent scenes not requiring inferences to identify the object. These oculomotor markers resembled those of adults inspecting similar scenes, suggesting that intuitive and stable logical structures involved in the interpretation of dynamic scenes may be part of the fabric of the human mind.” And our ability to reason explodes from that point.

Alison Gopnik, Professor of Psychology and Affiliate Professor of Philosopy at the University of California at Berkeley and author of The Gardener and the Carpenter, has been studying children for a long time. What she has found is that children have a greater capacity for innovation and creativity than college students all while applying clear logic. She explains that 3-year-olds will offer a stream of consciousness when asked to give us their thoughts, but if you use their own language to ask them concrete questions, the responses will be sensible and surprising.

Check out this piece explaining some of her experiments. You might just find something useful (Hint: Don’t miss the part where the researcher notes that having children explain something themselves increases their understanding of it.)

Now that you know just how brilliant your child is and you know why they can appear to be illogical, you might be surprised to learn that a very simple solution can flip a switch for your child. When a child’s limbic system is on overload, top to bottom exercises can be useful. These are exercises that require movement across both the top and bottom parts of the body. Things like standing stretches and light weight lifting can help your child’s brain regulate itself.

One final thought that comes to mind is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) with its focus on integration. In DBT, there exists a concept of the Wise Mind, which is “the balanced part of us that comprises our inner knowledge and intuition, where our emotional thinking mind (thoughts driven by distressing feelings) and rational thinking mind come together, the part of us that just ‘knows’ that true reality.”

Many adults need therapeutic intervention to learn to live into their Wise Mind. Children, whose brains are still forming, need direction and practice to find this place. When you recognize that your children are logical, but not logical in the exact same way that you are, it can become easier to learn to speak their language and to offer responses that help them integrate all the parts of their brains. I firmly believe that children are perfectly reasonable and I hope that, now, you do too.

Anti-Racist Steps You Can Take Immediately

Today’s post will be a little different than usual. I’m going to highlight some resources by people of color that will provide us all with some direction in the midst of these crucial protests to save Black lives. I encourage you to join the Facebook group Unlearning Racism (may be archived temporarily to give the BIPOC moderators a break) as your first step.

Ijeoma Oluo
@IjeomaOluo

The beauty of anti-racism is that you don't have to pretend to be free of racism to be an anti-racist. Anti-racism is the commitment to fight racism wherever you find it, including in yourself. And it's the only way forward.

First, Understand This

The problem is that white people see racism as conscious hate, when racism is bigger than that. Racism is a complex system of social and political levers and pulleys set up generations ago to continue working on the behalf of whites at other people's expense, whether whites know/like it or not. Racism is an insidious cultural disease. It is so insidious that it doesn't care if you are a white person who likes Black people; it's still going to find a way to infect how you deal with people who don't look like you. 

Yes, racism looks like hate, but hate is just one manifestation. Privilege is another. Access is another. Ignorance is another. Apathy is another, and so on. So while I agree with people who say no one is born racist, it remains a powerful system that we're immediately born into. It's like being born into air: you take it in as soon as you breathe.

It's not a cold that you can get over. There is no anti-racist certification class. It's a set of socioeconomic traps and cultural values that are fired up every time we interact with the world. It is a thing you have to keep scooping out of the boat of your life to keep from drowning in it. I know it's hard work, but it's the price you pay for owning everything.

-Scott Woods

Tips for White People and Non-Black People of Color

Whitney Alexus

What I want from White people and non-Black people of color:

1) Do not tell Black people how to protest (and be able to make the discernment between the majority and extremists/unaffiliated/the police).

2) Amplify, highlight, and share what we are saying and doing, instead of inserting your own narrative.

3) Understand that our actions are consciously planned, organized, and executed. If they didn't work, we wouldn't do it.

4) Confront your own internal racism/anti-blackness, and unpack that (you can be marginalized in other ways, and still be racist/anti-black).

5) If you have questions, look it up instead of expecting us to educate you while we are grieving and surviving.

6) As you learn about the system of oppression that is racism/anti-blackness, move past your guilt and turn that into action (silence and inaction is a privilege we don't have).

7) Actions you can do include donating, marching, rebelling, intervening/recording injustice, calling/emailing, signing petitions, educating and correcting those around you, and experiencing/supporting/funding our work, well-being, and dreams without gentrifying our neighborhoods.

8) Do the work online AND in real life. If we, the oppressed group can, you can.

9) Recognize you can't call yourself an ally until we decide that you are.

10) Be consistent. Stop waiting until another injustice happens to show up for us. You can and should be an "ally" all day every day.

*Honorable mentions - Stop being culture vultures (y'all look and sound ridiculous), saying ni**a/ni**er, and expecting us to show up for you while your community perpetuates racism/anti-blackness

#BlackLivesMatter



Tessa DeMarais

This will be long and controversial, but right now, these conversations are so important to have.

I implore my family and friends to take a moment to step back and reflect on your own internalized anti-Blackness and racism. You may hear that and immediately think “I’m not racist, that doesn’t apply to me. I voted for Obama, I support BLM, *continue inserting justifications here*. However, acknowledging these feelings also include recognizing the microaggressive feelings and behavior that you may have. It also includes acknowledging your different levels of privilege.

There is privilege in the ability to feel like these protests aren’t important, that Black people’s feelings aren’t valid and that they’re overreacting. Peaceful protesting hasn’t gotten the rights of BIPOC (Black/Indigenous people of color) anywhere for centuries. Even MLK Jr. himself accepted that violence and action is inevitable if voices are ignored.

There are so many POC, especially in the Black community, who have suffered at the hands of SPD and MPD. Both departments have a long history of racism and I’m actually happy that they’re being held accountable, especially since it is at a national level. However, please understand and acknowledge that the people perpetuating a large portion of the violence have been ⚪️ supremacists from here and out of state who don’t care that they’re harming POC and historically Black neighborhoods. They’re here cause harm and to derail the original message to draw negative focus on the community that we need to be supporting and uplifting.

With all of that being said, I don’t support the recent actions that have been used for harm rather than good. This isn’t the time for anarchy and to push irrelevant agendas. I hope that this is under control soon, that the cries for justice against police brutality are heard, and that all of you stay safe and healthy. 💕

PS: COVID-19 hasn’t gone anywhere and cases in MN have picked up again. Please wear masks and avoid going out if possible!
Contact Peaceful Mom for verbal explanation of image
Contact Peaceful Mom for verbal explanation of image
Contact Peaceful Mom for verbal explanation of image
Contact Peaceful Mom for verbal explanation of image



Ionah Dance

White folks-pls don’t cancel your white friends too quickly. I get it. You’re angry. But Black & Native folks have been trying to reason with white folks since 1619 & 1492 so your anger & our anger isn’t quite the same. Instead of canceling people quickly, use that anger to educate. This gives us a little more space to be mad. To feel. To just be.

‪Racism is institutional. But it’s sustained by individuals-by people-who give it power. So don’t let those individuals run rampant & become Amy Coopers and genocidal police. Stop them.

Yes, you need to know when to quit. It’s not worth your time if someone is truly not listening. So for starters, don’t poke the KKK, alt-right, MAGA, Nazi trolls. That should be obvious. But maybe start with the “all cops aren’t bad” or the “well looting isn’t the answer” folks.

I’ve been all over chasing these folks today & have seen far too many Black womxn having to do this labor too while mourning, working, and simultaneously being silenced for the violence THEY experience. If you hate the rhetoric as much as we do, interrupt it because unchecked rhetoric like that gets Black & Native womxn & other folks killed.
#minneapolisprotest #justiceforblackwomen #justiceforgeorgefloyd #justiceforbreonnataylor #justiceforahmaud #blacklivesmatter #indigenoussolidarity #nativesforblacklivesmatter #decolonize #nowhitesaviors #cancelculture
Ionah Dance
@IonahDance

White folks-pls don't cancel your white friends TOO quickly. I get it. You're angry. But Black & Native folks have been trying to reason with white folks since 1619 & 1492. Instead of canceling people outright, use your anger to do the labor we are tired of doing.
Ionah Dance
@IonahDance

Racism is institutional. But it's sustained by individuals-by people-who give it power. So don't let those individuals run rampant & become Amy Coopers and genocidal police. Stop them.
Ionah Dance
@IonahDance

Yes, you need to know when to quite. It's not worth your time if someone is truly not listening. So for starters, don't poke the KKK, alt-right, MAGA, Nazi trolls. That should be obvious. But maybe start with the "all cops aren't bad" or the "well looting isn't the answer" folks.
Ionah Dance
@Ionah Dance

I've been chasing these folks & have seen FAR too many Black womxn having to do this labor while mourning AND being silenced for the violence THEY experience. So help interrupt that white moderate/white liberal rhetoric because unchecked it's what kills Black & Native folks.

National Resource List #GeorgeFloyd+

Click to Open

Image of first page of National Resource List. Click to open Google document.

If You Can’t Get to a Protest

Credit to Danyelle ‘Nippy’ Thomas via Facebook

elletheartist

We can't all be on the frontline

But we can all be apart of the revolution. Here are some alternatives for everyone who wants to get involved!
elletheartist

Sign Makers

For those of us who have a way with words and a steady hand - sign making is your calling. The message needs to be loud and clear.
elletheartist

Eyes & Ears

Organizers and researchers are the heart of any movement. Keeping up with the latest updates and developments is imperative.
elletheartist

The Care-Takers

Food, water and medical supplies are necessities for every demonstration. If you can cook rice and apply a band aid - you can be a part of the movement.
elletheartist

The Donators

Supplies and bail money won't fall from the sky. Every march is fueled by donations by supporters who understand the cause.

Atlanta Solidarity Fund

Bail Funds/Legal Help by City

BlackLivesMatter.carrd.co

Brooklyn Community Bail Fund

Memphis Community Bail Fund

Mid-South Peace & Justice Center Bail Fund

Minnesota Bail Fund and Support List

Minnesota Freedom Fund

One Struggle Kansas City

Philadelphia Bail Fund

The Bail Project Louisville

Until Freedom Speech

Venmo: @untilfreedom

Cash app: cash.me/untilfreedom

Her IG: @tamikadmallory

Until Freedom’s IG: @untilfreedom

Trevor Noah on Racial Injustice

We Don’t Really Want to Force Our Kids to Share

Do we? As upstanding citizens and caring humans, most of us feel compelled by empathy to help others who don’t have what they need. We offer our money to organizations that provide supplies and services. We offer our time volunteering to feed people. We value the act of giving freely of ourselves, so… we turn around and teach our kids to share through force? Wait a minute. What is the message we’re sending versus the message we’re intending to send?

If you look up the word “sharing,” you’ll see definitions that involve portioning and joint use of an item. When we tell our children to share a toy, unless both children are playing with a toy at the same time, they are cannot share the toy. We share food when we split it among our family members. We share a couch when we sit together to watch a movie. Sharing is an essential exercise we all must do to survive. We teach our children to share of themselves when we model intentional generosity. It takes very little effort to teach children how to share if we are willing to orient ourselves toward inclusion and restoration. They witness sharing when we leave tips for people who provide us a service. They see it when we move to make room for someone on a bus. They recognize it when a community comes together to set aside land to build homes for people who have none. Sharing is an invitation and a kindness. And, for many of us, sharing is a fundamental component of social justice. When we don’t share, people suffer. In some cases, we have to enact laws to mitigate the harm caused by people who refuse to share, particularly when that refusal is based on unjust discrimination.

Many of us say we want our children to learn to share when what we really mean is that we want them to learn to take turns with other children. Turn-taking is tough! It’s not something that comes naturally to a small child. Yet, we can find ourselves pushing a child too hard to do something that they are not developmentally able to accomplish within the strict confines of our directives. And, there is a significant cost to coercing a child into an action. In 2014, the multidisciplinary journal of Development and Psychopathology published an article that looked at the links between early coercion and later behavioral problems. The researchers followed an ethnically diverse sample of 731 children from ages 2-5 to discover the effect of their parents’ methods in enforcing discipline. What they found was that coercive interactions between caregivers and children amplified the children’s noncompliance and escalated both oppositional and aggressive behavior even into later childhood. Meaning, when we coerce our children, we effectively encourage them to resist rather than to cooperate. So, what do we do instead?

In my house, one of our cherished guidelines is receiving consent. My children (currently 4 and 2) understand, through modeling, that we don’t snatch items away from each other. Adults and children alike enjoy the security of knowing that their claim to an item will be honored to the extent possible. Here’s how Peaceful Dad and I make it happen.

Ownership

When one child receives a gift, we encourage that child to store the gift away from main areas if they don’t want their sibling or other children playing with it. When they’re ready to enter it into circulation, since new toys do lose their luster over time, turn-taking guidelines will apply.

Turns

Whomever has possession of a toy retains possession of it for as long as they wish, with one major caveat. Turns do not last overnight. So, the next day, the other sibling will have “first dibs” on that toy should they want to play with it. A “turn” lasts as long as the child is actively playing with a toy. We don’t do toy hoarding here. One toy at a time. Once the child moves onto another toy, the toy left behind is up for grabs.

Waiting

When one sibling takes an interest in a toy that the other sibling is playing with, we sportscast. “Brother, looks like Sister wants a turn when you’ve finished playing.” We also engage with the child who is waiting by empathizing, “You really want to play with that toy! After Brother’s turn, it will be your turn” and encourage the child to choose another activity. And, then we move on. The goal is to empower the children to establish boundaries and use words to indicate their intention.

Intervention

There are rare times in our house that fights break out over toys. It’s always unrelated to the toy though. Our children generally choose to play together and cooperate unless something is wrong, so when we intervene, we follow our trusty Three Rs. Once the household is calm again, we sportscast, “It was Brother’s turn before. Brother, would you still like to play with the toy?” And, then everything starts again.

Sharing

We’ve had a lot of wonderful experiences with turn-taking. Sharing is a little more difficult here. There’s a particular riding toy that my children try to ride together. At first, it’s adorable, but after a while, they often start pushing and shoving. When that happens, we intervene with the Three Rs and do our best to let them work it out.

Fighting

Every now and then, a fight will break out that gets reactivated even after we’ve worked through the Three Rs. When this happens, we do intervene, usually by leading both children to another activity. I’ve noticed with my young kids that the cure for fights is playtime outside. I can understand how frustrating it is to be on top of each other in a small space for too long. They need a chance to stretch their legs and fill their lungs with air. We go outside at least once a day anyway, but on the more difficult days, we’ll spend extra time in nature. I admit that my patience grows short on those days and my own attitude exacerbates an already volatile situation. So, fair warning, if your kids are fighting, check yourself too.

Outside the Home

When we’re away from home, playing with other children, we respect the rules of the space. I let my kids know that we are not at home and these toys do not belong to us. I employ more redirection in these instances. For example, I might say, “Brother, looks like your friend would like a turn.” I might escalate to something like “five more minutes and let’s go find something else to play with” if my son isn’t showing signs of readiness. The younger the child, the harder this is, I’ve found. But, talking your child through the hardship helps, no matter how old they are.

I can understand that all of this may seem preposterous given what you may have witnessed in your own home, but hear me out. Encouraging consent and self-advocacy gives children tools that will last a lifetime. Helping them wait lets them know they aren’t alone and that you understand them. Giving children authority to take temporary ownership of a toy empowers the child in a world that is incredibly disempowering to children. And, you might discover what I have. When I take a step back, my kids work a lot of things out on their own. For instance, my son will negotiate for a toy! He’ll bring my daughter a toy he knows she loves in exchange for a turn with the toy she’s playing with. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. But, by and large, my kids tend toward willingly giving up their toys to their sibling, because they know the choice is completely theirs. Have faith in your kids. They may surprise you!

Three Words That Will Calm Your House

Did the phrase, “asked and answered,” come to mind? These words came to us from the legal world and they’ve been openly embraced in certain corners of the positive (not peaceful) parenting community. It’s a way to shut down a “nagging” child. And, it’s a way for a parent to pit their authority against their child’s needs. We don’t do that around here. If anything, we do the opposite. If a child is asking a question over and over, something has been left unresolved and it’s on us as parents to address it.

With that said, the three words I was actually intending to give you will help toddlers on up to adults across so many different challenges and crises. Kids fighting over a toy or tearing up the house instead of helping to clean it? Parents feeling mentally blocked and unmotivated while attempting to complete a task? Try this: Choose another activity.

People of all ages tend to roll with the words they receive. We all know how unhelpful it is for people to tell us “stop worrying!” when something is really bothering us. As soon as we get to that second word, it reinforces the worry. I talk a lot on this blog about cognitive reframing and the importance of speaking in positives for this very reason. Rather than saying, “stop worrying!” it is more effective, from a psychological perspective, to say what a person should do instead.

So, when my children are fighting over a toy, we first determine whose turn it is supposed to be and then I encourage the other child to choose another activity to do while they wait for their turn.

One of the things that tends to lead to upset for me in my household is when my children are playing and creating a mess where I’m trying to clean. My daughter has become notorious for rifling through my desk to find a pen to play with. This activity is not especially helpful to me as I stand nearby folding laundry. So, this is an instance where I’d tell her, “I will sit with you later to go through the pens. For now, please, choose another activity, so I can finish this chore.” Then, oftentimes, I’ll give her a couple ideas. “You could feed your baby or build with blocks.” Nearly every time, she runs off happily to play and I can quickly join her because my work efficiency soars.

There are times when I’m struggling with executive functioning and can’t will myself to do what needs to be done. As I fixate on the task that’s hanging over my head, I begin to dysregulate. I have even cried when I got frustrated enough about not being able to get started. So, in those instances, I try to tell myself to choose another activity. Find something else to get my body moving and pull out the stopper in my brain that’s thwarting my efforts.

Choose another activity has become second-nature to me now that I’ve been using it for so long. It allows me to set a limit AND give my children the undirected freedom to do something else they’ve chosen for themselves. These three words have helped me reduce my reliance on “No…” and “Don’t…” and “Stop…” – all sentence leaders that will ensure that your child will do the opposite of what you’re asking of them, due to that sneaky issue that’s solved by cognitive reframing. So, if you’re looking to reform the language you use and avoid resorting to using adult authority where it isn’t needed, try this approach and then tell a friend!

Want to Stop Punishing Your Kids? Here’s How.

So, you’re on-board with Peaceful Parenting. You try to co-regulate with your kids, empathize, and collaborate with them toward solutions that are mutually beneficial. You’ve been cognizant of your attitude and you’ve been working toward remaining calm most of the time. But, then something happens and you snap. You yell or you spank or you threaten or otherwise forcibly control your child, even though this isn’t who you want to be.

I hope you’re not looking at me thinking that I’ve got it together. That I must never yell or spank or act out in a non-peaceful way. Nope. I’m working toward being a Peaceful Parent just like you are and stumbling all over myself along the way. Let me tell you a story.

This past week, circumstances got the better of me. I thought myself such an accomplished parent one day when I whipped out drawing pads and Crayons for the kids and got to work cleaning up. I even left the kids alone at the kitchen table for a while to draw while I cleaned other areas of the house. Soon enough, I heard Crayons hitting the floor. I returned to the dining room to see my son snapping Crayons in half and shoving them into his mouth to chew and spit on the floor. The anger welled in my chest. I kept it together and asked him to go ahead and sit down so he could keep drawing while I cleaned up the chewed pieces of waxy mess. Instead, he went tearing around the house, a bouquet of Crayons in his hand poised to be cleaved in twain. It was too much and… I started hollering. “SIT DOWN.” “DON’T BREAK ANYMORE CRAYONS!” “LET ME WORK.” “STAHHHHHP!” My reaction only served to fuel the flames and the situation quickly escalated.

I angrily swept and tossed the Crayons (which could have been used again even in their broken state), I ignored my son as he continued to dysregulate, and then, in a moment of fury, I started toward him to snatch away a toy he had in his hand so I could throw it away in front of him in a cruel and punitive move. But, before I got to him, I stopped. I stopped dead in my tracks as my own words echoed back at me. Would you devastate your child for a $1.50 box of crayons? Would you provoke tears for pocket change? And, there it is. Right there. The first step toward ending our reign of punishment. It’s a decision in the heat of the moment. A choice we’ve already committed to.

Punishment Rejection Action Steps

1. Start With a Choice. You have to decide before you ever get angry what your limits are. Yelling is my vice. It’s deeply ingrained from my childhood and it is the language of my hot temper. But, yelling is a punitive act. We use our adult voices to suppress and control our children, leaving them with unseen scars. It may not be as clearly punitive as time out or spanking, but it is undesirable as a tool in our Peaceful Parenting kit. What’s your go to? What punishment do you turn to when you feel you can’t bear anymore? Make a commitment right now to stop. Draw the line in your mind and say, “I will not fall back on this action.” Even if you do it again, reinforce your belief that your actions are unacceptable and then try again the next time.

2. Engage in Prevention. As you may know if you’ve been following my posts, I am a big advocate of the Three Rs: Regulate, Relate, Reason. When my children begin to dysregulate, I intervene then. I try not to wait for the situation to escalate. Most of the time, prevention also helps me avoid dysregulating myself. It gives me a chance to get a grip on my emotions and fully invest in the moment when my kids need me most.

3. Have a Game Plan. Decide, in advance, what it is you’re going to do when you’ve gotten to a point where you’re about to blow your top. The Learning Parent SG put together a fantastic series on what she does as she nears her breaking point. She calls her approach, “Reactive Distancing.”

During a calm moment, take some time to put your game plan together. Decide what it is you can commit to doing when your thinking mind begins to struggle.

4. Think Like a Child. Ever notice how small children go from huge emotions to giggling in no time flat? They aren’t weighed down by the self-judgment and mental turmoil that adults experience. A dear friend of mine told me she takes a cue from Daniel Tiger. When she starts to feel dysregulated, she says, “If you feel so mad that you have to roar take a deep breath and count to 4.” As she counts, her jaw and fists start to relax, and she finds she’s more able to breathe. Then, she makes an effort to speak to her children in a neutral way in an effort to de-escalate the situation. Sometimes neutral is the best she can do and sometimes she’s able to nurture. Either way, she and her children both benefit from her efforts. She shared that she’s learned how valuable things like hugs, cuddles, and tickles can be as she works toward co-regulating with her kids. Play is always called for when tensions are high.

5. Do the Hard Work on Yourself. Our reactions are not the fault of our children. They are the result of a lifetime of experiences and the neurotransmitter conditioning our brains have undergone. Many of us could improve our situation by shifting to a more positive outlook to build emotional resilience. “Thinking positively” is absolutely NOT the only answer to resolving our lifelong triggers, but it is one action we can take. We can also find a therapist, exercise regularly, reframe negative situations, and relinquish some control.

6. Never Stop Trying. Every time you choose to be gentle with your children, you are reinforcing to your own psyche that what you’re doing is good and it’s achievable. Even when you mess up, and oh will you mess up, brush yourself off and make a better choice at the next opportunity. Parenting is about relationship. When we push our kids away with our attitudes, we have to focus on reconciling and confirming to them that the issue is us not them. In the backs of our minds, we have to give ourselves grace enough to say, “I will do better next time” and really mean it.

After the blowup with my son, I sat down with him and apologized. I told him that I was having a hard day and I had no right to yell at him. I told him that I loved him and gave him all the cuddles he was craving. As I was holding him, his little body released its tension and he drifted off to sleep. Turns out, that energy burst he’d had was his last ditch effort at alerting me that he was exhausted. I misread it and got angry when the answer was staring me right in the face. I will not absolve myself of the harm I caused him that day, but I will say that I make good choices more often than not and I am actively working on my temper. I yell less than I did a year ago and still less than I did a year before that. Things are improving over time and, before too long, I will consistently react neutrally when members of my family touch a raw nerve. That’s my commitment to them and to myself. What are you willing to commit to today?

What Christians Get Wrong About Sparing the Rod

Trivia: Where does the phrase, “Spare the rod, spoil the child” come from? If you said the Bible, you’d be dead wrong. In fact, when you learn where it’s actually from, you’ll probably not want to use that phrase anymore.

“Spare the rod” is a line from a 17th century poem called Hudibras by Samuel Butler that mocks Judao-Christian values. (Check out Part 2, Canto 1, line 844.) In this erotic poem, a man is trying to woo a woman who encourages him to submit to aphrodisiac flagellation. The “rod” serves a double purpose, both referring to the whipping and to his penis.

Jokes aside, I figure that’s not what most people intend when they use this humorous phrase. They’re probably referring to Proverbs 13:24 which reads, “Those who spare the rod hate their children, but those who love them are diligent to discipline them.” (NRSV) There has been much pushback from scholars who have conducted word studies on this passage. In short, reading this verse in its original language clearly indicates that the “rod” is a source of guidance and protection rather than punishment. Dr. Stacey Patton provided a fantastic overview via Facebook in 2016 and others have done similar work. This wonderful sermonette describes the purpose of the “rod” for a shepherd.

I won’t belabor this perspective, as it has been well covered elsewhere. The purpose of my piece is to talk about why Proverbs exists in the first place, with all of its apparent contradictions. For instance, in one place, we see what looks like an admonition to beat children with the rod of correction, while another verse declares that “a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1 NRSV). So, which is it? I’m glad you asked!

The book of Proverbs is the second book written by King Solomon, which is chock full of practical advice. Each piece of wisdom is intended to be thoughtfully considered and wrestled with. It is not enough to accept the surface meaning. Insightfully, Torah.org explains of Proverbs, “Much can be learned about the human mind by thinking about why two particular ideas were placed next to each other; why this verse would have been just like the last one… except for that small, almost insignificant difference and what the words actually mean. One can learn how to decide logically between two choices, how to make use of experience to avoid repeating mistakes and from what to stay away while chasing after a goal.”

The underlying mission of Proverbs is to communicate the wisdom of King Solomon, who is referred to as the wisest man to ever live and who still inexplicably fell victim to foolishness. Proverbs illustrates how futile it is to try to put God into a box or to claim wisdom unparalleled for ourselves as though we are not prone to the same faults that plagued King Solomon. Verses in Proverbs are juxtaposed in order to draw out the essence of truth, not just the literal meaning of the words. And, King Solomon utilized the same exaggeration and figurative language in Proverbs that we see throughout the Bible. These rhetorical devices serve the purpose of highlighting degree of importance, and it takes careful consideration to discern just how literal of a read we should be applying to any given verse.

It’s especially important to understand that truth and accuracy were not synonymous at the time Proverbs was written the way they are today. Take the example of the two competing creation stories in Genesis, both of which were intentionally placed together and both of which serve humanity’s understanding of the “why” behind our creation. Critics of Judao-Christian faith point to seeming contradictions throughout the Bible as evidence that the Bible is unreliable, not understanding the spiritual value imbued in these differences. Modern Christians must become comfortable with biblical truth not necessarily coinciding with a literal reading. If we fail to do this, we miss important contextual cues that the Hebrews would have instinctively understood through cultural conditioning.

If we’re going to take Proverbs seriously, we have to do so on the terms of its originating culture, which means we must consider what the Rabbis said. And, we know what the Rabbis said because we have a book of oral tradition: The Talmud. The Talmud is a compilation of rabbinic discussion on the Torah, and it is composed of two parts. First, there is the Mishnah, which is a compendium of oral law. Second, there is the Gemara, which comes in the two versions (Babylonian and Jerusalem), and is a record of rabbinic discussions around topics in the Mishnah. The Mishnah was standardized over the course of many centuries.

Rabbi Jack Abramowitz of JewInTheCity.com elucidates the relevance of the Talmud in any discussion of spanking that references Proverbs 13:24. He explains:

…are people taking this verse too literally? How do the classical commentators explain it? Disappointingly, though perhaps not surprisingly, most of the commentators understand that it isn’t a metaphor, it literally refers to disciplining one’s child. But that still doesn’t mean that one should strike one’s child with a stick. In fact, it very much doesn’t.

You see, the Torah was written to be understood by the audience that received it. It speaks about loading donkeys, oxen treading grain, and women delivering babies on birthing stools – things to which most of us cannot relate. It doesn’t talk about DNA or black holes or flatscreen TVs because these are concepts that would have been incomprehensible to the original recipients. Similarly, if King Solomon (the author of Proverbs) wanted to discuss disciplining children, he was going to use corporal punishment as his illustration because time-outs didn’t exist, and I suspected that neither did grounding or docking allowances.

This is not just wishful thinking on my part; let’s examine the sources.

First of all, striking another person is seriously frowned upon in Judaism. Deuteronomy 25:3 tells us that someone sentenced to the penalty of lashes may not be struck more than the designated amount (a maximum of forty lashes). First the Torah tells us that “the wicked one deserves lashes” (25:2), but then we are told that we may not exceed the court-imposed amount because if we do, “your brother will be degraded.” The Sifre, quoted by Rashi on 25:3, demonstrates that before the punishment is administered, the offender is considered “wicked.” After he has paid his penalty, he is once again called “your brother” and it is forbidden to strike him. If we’re not allowed to strike a convicted criminal more than absolutely necessary, it should go without saying that we may not strike someone who was not so sentenced by the courts – not even if their behavior bothers us!

Striking someone outside of the context of court-ordered whiplashes is actually considered evil. In Exodus 2:13, Moshe asks “the wicked one,” “Why will you strike your friend?’” The Talmud in Sanhedrin (58b) points out that the person is called wicked just for raising his hand, even though he has not yet delivered a blow.

The Talmud in Moed Katan (17a) prohibits a parent spanking an older child, based on the principle that we may not do something that will cause others to sin (lifnei iver). The child might respond by cursing the parent or striking back – both serious sins – and the parent would be responsible for provoking that reaction. The Ritva (13th century) says that “older child” isn’t exhaustive. For sure one may not strike a child above the age of bar or bas mitzvah but, additionally, one may not even strike a younger child who is likely to retaliate in words or deeds. Rav Shlomo Wolbe (20th century) suggested that the cut-off for spanking would be age three.

Rav Wolbe’s position is not a mere concession to modern parenting. Peleh Yoetz (1824) says that even in the case of a young child, if the parents know that his nature is not to accept authority, they should discipline him using calm, soft tones.

True, the Rambam writes that a teacher may strike a student (Hilchos Talmud Torah 2:2) but that very same halacha specifies that he may not use a whip or a rod, but only a “small strap.” (So much for “rod” literalists!) And how big is a “small strap?” The Talmud in Baba Basra (21a) says no larger than a shoelace.

He goes on to explain that the Talmud dictates the strict use of the “gentlest form of effective discipline” and points out that there is no Torah obligation to use corporal punishment on children. None at all. The Torah simply does not condone spanking as punishment for children. King Solomon knew that.

A weak argument can certainly be made that Bible allows for the corporal punishment of children (largely by omission of the topic in the Law), but it is a gross misinterpretation to claim that the Bible prescribes it. What Proverbs demands is that parents coach and correct their kids, so that the children are brought up with values that orient them toward God. Now that we have substantial evidence that spanking is extremely harmful, Christians should honor the book of Proverbs and exercise the wisdom that King Solomon called us to. If you are still unconvinced, consider carefully Christ’s warning about leading a child to harm.

If any of you put a stumbling block before one of these little ones who believe in me, it would be better for you if a great millstone were fastened around your neck and you were drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe to the world because of stumbling blocks! Occasions for stumbling are bound to come, but woe to the one by whom the stumbling block comes! (Matthew 18:6-7 NRSV)

Woe to the adult whose treatment of a child leads that child to hate their parents, their life, or their God!

But, there’s good news. We can bypass the pitfalls inherent in controlling children through violence by rejecting our modern culture’s fixation on punishment and working instead toward fostering the “pleasant words” that are “like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body” (Proverbs 16:24 NRSV). After all, Proverbs 22:6 reminds us that what we teach our children about godliness is what guides them for life… not how effectively we hit them.


Recommended Readings on Gentle Discipline:

Punishments, Consequences, and Limits

Peaceful Parenting Won’t Work on My Child

Self-Assessment on Childism:

The Anti-Childism Scale

Rights Versus Freedoms

No Sew Dress Cincher for Kids

I’m going to let y’all in on a part of my life I haven’t discussed much here yet. We are not rich people. We live pretty simply on a budget and don’t really buy into the “American Dream.” We try to be responsible with our money and generous with people who need help. So, even when it comes to pretty inexpensive stuff, I consider my purchases carefully.

I have some sundresses for my daughter that are loose enough in the bodice to create a problem with the straps falling off, which causes the dress to slip down. I’ve been thinking on a solution and finally came up with something that’s cheap, easy, adjustable, and reusable. While I’m willing to do a little hand sewing, that’s not something I wanted to try to tackle with these dresses. Safety pins are the low tech solution, but I can’t bring myself to essentially hand a safety pin to a little child. That doesn’t seem like a wise choice, knowing my kids. I’ve been looking for a while now to find a better solution, and I came across two possible alternatives that ultimately didn’t work for us. But, I’ll let y’all know about them in case they’re a better fit for you.

#1 Today’s Parent recommends pulling the straps of the dress together in the back and clipping it with barrettes. This is certainly a cheap, easy, adjustable and reusable solution, but I can’t get it to stay on an active toddler. You might find you have better luck with this one.

#2 Sweater Clasps are another option that ticks all the boxes. They’re already designed to hold two pieces of fabric together. However, they are typically metal and the sturdy ones are heavy. I knew my daughter would do her best to remove a sweater clasps as quick as a wink. Plus, there’s spendier than the alternatives and not something I’d want to replace over and over. Still, they’d be a great solution as she gets older, if she finds she has the same issues growing up. They’re a more mature version of the solution I came up with.

Now, my solution is cheap, easy, adjustable, and reusable. It’s also super fast and kid-friendly. I present, the Ribbon Clasp!

Here’s what you need:

Scissors
Lighter or Match
Mitten Clips
Ribbon

I used these mitten clips (under $2 at my local store):

And, this ribbon (under $2 at my local store):

How to Make A Ribbon Clasp

Here’s an example of the type of dress that gives us trouble. The flowy nature of the dress paired with the thin straps means there isn’t much actually holding the dress onto my daughter’s body.

I used 7/8″ ribbon because my clips are 1″. You can find lots of ribbon colors to match various dresses. I went with white as my standard because it works with so many colors.

Step 1: Snip your desired length of ribbon. Make sure to have your lighter handy for the next step!

Step 2: Gently wave the flame under the ends of your ribbon, being careful not to scorch it. The little frayed ends should melt away leaving a nice crisp layer that will resist fraying. The end product should be the same color as your ribbon. (Thanks for the assist, Peaceful Dad!)

Step 3: Place your mitten clips where you want them, either on the dress or on the straps, and put the dress onto your child.

Step 4: Lace the ribbon through and tie it as tightly as you need to ensure a snug fit. (You’ll notice I used a longer piece of ribbon for this look.)

See, I told you it was easy! It’s been very helpful for us here, since it’s lightweight, unobtrusive, comfortable, and easy to fix if needed. I hope this makes your life easier. Love to you and yours.