Recently, I was involved in a discussion about the privilege inherent in the ability to homeschool. In order to homeschool successfully, one must have quite a few advantages such as financial means, stable mental health, and access to resources. That is not to say that there aren’t homeschooling parents who have varying degrees of such advantages. I’m a low-income, Autistic homeschooling mom with intense anxiety that I’m medicated for. I can homeschool because I have a partner who works and helps, a support network that can fill in when he can’t, graduate level education which has given me resources and also the ability to find resources I don’t yet have, and the means to obtain the medications I need for stable mental health. Homeschooling isn’t just the realm of well-off, white moms. But, every homeschooling family has advantages that make this lifestyle possible.
That got me thinking about other kinds of privilege I don’t really notice that I have and what that means for the way I’m impacting others. So many people I come across are resistant to accepting that they have privilege, often because they believe admitting it means they must be bad people. However, assessing privilege should not be an exercise in determining who is guilty and who is not. That’s not the point. Assessing privilege helps us recognize our responsibility in reshaping our respective cultures to genuinely serve and uplift everyone. We are presently far, FAR away from any reality resembling that ideal for so many reasons, most of which involve the oppressive authority of White Supremacy Culture and exploitative social class divisions.
Acknowledging Privilege We Don’t Realize We Have
One way we can undermine both White Supremacy Culture and social class divisions is by knowing the kinds of privilege we have and allowing that knowledge to help us empathize with others and recognize where our perspectives can lead to harm. “Bootstrap mentality” is one such example. The idea that working hard leads to success, as long as you’re doing it right, ignores the real reasons people are not successful. People have to contend with challenges such as lack of access to information or education, inability to generate the resources necessary, unavailability of support structures, and the like. Many of the hardest working people have the fewest resources to show for it. Just because one person is able to overcome their personal challenges doesn’t mean that someone with similar circumstances will be able to do the same. That’s just not how life works.
Two lesser acknowledged benefits of privilege we should observe are the presence of choice and the absence of barriers. Privilege bestows choice predicated on unequal circumstances. For instance, people do not choose to be born into wealth but, once they are, their options and choices in other areas of life are apt to increase. Privilege also shields us from barriers that others face. Considering again those who are born into wealth, will they ever have to navigate the structure of public assistance which is designed to conserve resources and limit pay outs to people who are barely scraping by? Possible, but doubtful. This is why lived experience is so important to understanding the reality of the lives of people who do not have the same advantages we do.
It can be difficult to recognize privilege when we all have our own struggles. We can be privileged in some areas and experience significant challenges in others. The balance of privilege and struggle matters. Those for whom this balance leans heavily toward struggle need more support and consideration, more relief, in order to prosper. This is where we can all benefit each other. By harnessing our privilege and using it to advantage others, we shift the balance and create a more just society for all of us.
We’ve all likely heard of white privilege, but there are other areas that aren’t as commonly discussed. With the help of my readers, I’ve compiled a short list of privilege points we don’t talk about enough. How many of these examples of privilege apply to you?
I can clean my body every day.
I had stable housing as a child. Bonus: I have financial resources now that cushion me from becoming unhoused.
Chronic physical pain does not significantly impact my quality of life.
I can seek healthcare when something is wrong.
I have reliable power and temperature control in my home.
I am able to comfortably sleep through the night.
I can afford to eat a diversity of foods that contain all the nutrients a human body needs.
My parents had stable physical and mental health when they were raising me.
I was not spanked or otherwise abused as a child.
My partner(s) and I can be together freely in public with no fear for our safety.
My neurotype is dominant in my culture.
I see people who look like me in positions of influence.
The majority of my country’s primary and secondary schools require students to take classes on the history of my people as told in our own voices.
I am cisgender and heterosexual. Bonus: I am a cishet man.
I do not have to use paid time off or forfeit pay in order to observe the holy days of my religion.
I am an adult with all the rights and freedoms afforded to adults in my country.
I can make personal decisions for myself without anyone else’s approval.
I have never been removed from my first family to be adopted or placed into foster care.
My parents were married when I was growing up.
I communicate in a way and with a language that most people in my country understand. Bonus: I am not discriminated against for the way I communicate.
I can call the police for help without fear of being killed.
My personal qualities and traits are not pathologized.
I can easily get enough clean water to satisfy my thirst.
The adults in my household do not have to work more than one job each to meet the needs of our household. Bonus: At least one adult is able to stay home.
ACCESS AND OPTIONS
I am not expected to purchase two seats on for a flight due to the limited size of each seat.
I have a high school diploma. Bonus: I have education beyond high school.
I have the psychological, financial, and educational ability to homeschool my children.
I can afford clothing. Bonus: I can afford clothes that fit my body.
Vaccines are available to me and I can refuse them if I wish.
I have internet access. Bonus: I have a computer in my home.
I have a committed support system. Bonus: I have contacts and mentors who can help me access resources, information, and networks.
I can read. Bonus: There is an easily accessible library in my community.
I have a car and can drive it.
I can access any public space I want to visit.
I can boycott stores like Amazon and Walmart without risking hunger.
I do not have to pre-plan my grocery shopping trips.
I have a job. Bonus: My job provides paid leave and other benefits.
I am able to do my job from my home.
My full-time job allows me to pay my basic bills without regular assistance and without going bankrupt.
I can access natural, green spaces without much effort.
And, one of the most significant aspects of unknown privilege is simply the ability to say, “I do not believe in privilege” and really mean it.
Check out these articles to learn more about how to use your privilege for good!
I recognize that there are A LOT of people out there who believe we should stop using labels and simply embrace each other as we are. That’s a lovely thought, but it hasn’t played out in my life in any positive way. The trouble, as I see it, is that our differences make us stronger, therefore, ignoring difference hurts us all. Labels are neutral categories that help us figure out our identities. We keep adding new ones to accommodate differences and that’s ok. Then we assign morality to them. That’s why the meanings behind labels can change over time.
So, how do labels save lives? I’ll give you one way. Labels serve to neatly categorize huge ideas into compact spaces. If I were to ask, “what is autism?” that’s a big question. But, if I offer a list of human traits and ask you to label them as a group, it might be easier. Think about things like sensitivity to stimuli that is neither respected nor understood by the general population because it comes across as too much or too little, focus on more concrete thinking that is straightforward and genuine, and the tendency to experience the double empathy problem. I could make a checklist and say, if you check off 90% of these items, you might just be Autistic. The label is Autistic and the traits are the evidence that point to the label being accurate.
My story is much like that of other late-diagnosed Autistic adults. My parents knew I was Autistic from a young age but could not access diagnostic services for me. So, they ignored it, suppressing my traits through behaviorism. I grew up thinking something was terribly wrong with me. I suffered through bouts of suicidal ideology from a very young age. It felt like no one understood me. I was just too different. So little about my life actually made sense until I went through the autism evaluation process as a parent. The questions that the doctor asked made me realize how many Autistic traits I had possessed all my life. I sought out my own evaluation and ultimately received a diagnosis. I was Autistic. I am Autistic!
This affirmation of my entire life and being changed everything. I knew why I thought the way I did. I knew why I was always a step apart from what others were doing, feeling like some sort of bystander to my own life, manufacturing a façade that allowed me to be the alien behind the mask. I started to join groups for Autistic adults and learned even more about myself. I found camaraderie and purpose. I embraced the social model of disability, noting all the points in my life where forces outside of myself stood in the way of my progress. I recognized the symptoms of trauma within my psyche and came to understand that this trauma was the source of my debilitating anxiety – anxiety, in fact, that I didn’t realize I had until other Autistic people described what anxiety looks like in day-to-day life. Then, I started medication. Finally. After decades of misdiagnoses and drugs that never helped, I got the right medication and the right support.
And, you know what? I no longer descend into suicidal ideation the way I once did. I don’t dwell on the troubling parts of my life and do battle against the little voice in my head telling me it would be easier on me, and everyone else, if I weren’t here. Recently, I had an especially difficult week. One evening, while lying in bed trying to fall asleep, it hit me that I wasn’t perseverating on suicide. It was like there was a bottom under me. I had caught a ledge in my mind and I wasn’t sinking any further. I can’t remember anytime in my life when I’ve felt like this.
So, yes, I fully embrace the labels that describe who I am. I use them in healthy ways to understand myself and connect with the communities that have become literal lifelines for me. And, I reject the idea that labels are bad for us. I hope you understand why.
Remember when the Massachusetts Supreme Court expelled a student who couldn’t keep up academically with their peers? Or when the Wisconsin Supreme Court refused to educate a student with cerebral palsy, because his teachers and classmates found him gross? Perhaps not, because it was quite some time in the past although, in the scheme of history, it wasn’t really that long ago. The Massachusetts decision came down in 1893 and the Wisconsin decision near the mid-20th century. The history of educating disabled students boggles the mind. Let’s remember that unconscionable discrimination against disabled people was commonplace and accepted during our lifetimes and/or the lifetimes of our parents. We still face inordinate levels of oppression to this day, but now we have laws and self-advocates and allies and nearly 70 years of civil rights wins that shield us from the kind of treatment those who went before us were forced to endure.
It was the Brown v. Board of Education decision in 1954 which dealt the first blow to prejudicial ideologies that denied disabled students their fundamental human right to information access. We owe so much to the Black activists who pushed racial segregation into the laps of the U.S. Supreme Court, spurring the justices to rule unanimously that states do not have the right to deny equal protection of the laws to anyone.
Over the next 19 years, disability advocates made strides toward greater protections for disabled people, gaining wins along the way until the passage of the Rehabilitation Act in 1973, followed soon by the Education for All Handicapped Act (later named Individuals with Disabilities Act or IDEA) in 1975.
The hard-won Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 was spurred by the famous Capitol Crawl, a protest involving over 1,000 disabled people who marched from the White House to the U.S. Capitol where dozens of people crawled to the top. Among them was 8-year-old Jennifer Keelan-Chaffins whose resounding words demonstrated the tenacity and power of self-advocacy as she announced, “I’ll take all night if I have to.” If you haven’t yet watched Crip Camp, I strongly recommend it. Crip Camp is a story about the Disability Rights Movement and the emancipation of the disabled.
We’ve come a long way from the days when disabled children were summarily rejected from public spaces because other people were uncomfortable, but we haven’t let go of that discomfort. No, it has shifted. Now, we use euphemisms like “special needs” to describe the unpalatable realities we dance around as a culture. “Special needs” was added to our social lexicon about 30 years ago and was notably codified in the Adoption and Safe Families Act of 1997.
It is the root of other euphemisms like “special education” which is yet another way we make the segregation of disabled people seem less repulsive than it actually is. Here we are, all these years later, having witnessed the brilliance of disabled students and the hard work of disabled self-advocates. Yet, we still use euphemisms that serve to infantilize all of the aforementioned people. These terms do not honor the sacrifices and the bravery of the disabled self-advocates who paved the way for liberation.
Do we believe disabled people are human?
Do all people deserve to have their needs met in the most effective way for them?
Are accommodations and solutions a reasonable request, especially considering how helpful to society many our innovations have become? Think about how many parents use wheelchair access ramps for their strollers and sign language with their infants and toddlers to improve communication.
If you answered yes to these questions, then you must implicitly understand that meeting the needs of disabled people is no different from meeting the needs of anyone. We all require accommodations throughout our lives, sometimes a lot of them and sometimes not. The needs of disabled people are neither special nor exceptional. They are human needs and they should be met in the most dignified manner possible.
If you must use the term “special” in order to communicate within this ableist society, please find other ways to disrupt the system. I myself have used terms like “special education” in contrast to “general education” when advocating for my children or talking about specific programs at specific schools. I get it. Ableist terminology that’s so embedded in our lives is hard to part with. So, try to incorporate better terms. The best one for us, as far as I’m concerned, is “disabled.” And, keep this in mind when it comes time to be an ally: Accommodations for disabled people are not a special request. They are a civil right.
So, let’s do it. Why would I bring this up on my peaceful parenting blog? Because the way we approach abortion has everything to do with our worldview and the example we set for our children. And, it determines how we will treat our children if they choose abortion for themselves.
With more and more states all but banning abortion, I keep finding myself in discussions with Christian friends and family about how best to address this matter. As a reminder, I’m a Christian clergy wife and seminary trained in my own right, which I don’t discuss often on this blog because it organically permeates my peaceful parenting experience. It’s simply part of my identity.
I don’t talk much about my stance on abortion either, because, frankly, it’s not that important, but for this post, I’ll tell you. I believe that humans are precious at all stages. It doesn’t matter to me when life or personhood begins, because I honor human existence from conception to the grave.
I have no issue with other people’s perspectives on when personhood or life should be recognized. My vision of our shared future involves continued reduction in the rate of abortion as much as possible while honoring those who are pregnant and facing a very difficult decision.
Here’s what I know for sure. Legislating abortion won’t make it go away. Abortion is older than recorded history, y’all. I think anti-abortionists know deep down that their efforts to criminalize these procedures won’t do anything but impose their sensibilities onto everyone else. They must know that banning abortion doesn’t reduce the rate of abortion and may, in fact, have the opposite effect.
If Christians really want to make an impact effectively, the way forward is clear.
Champion universal basic income, universal healthcare, guaranteed housing, no cost college, childcare support and subsidies, and a minimum wage increase. In other words, if you truly believe in the sanctity of life, then you must honor it no matter the socioeconomic status of the family.
Stop elevating virginity as having value in and of itself separate from the human being it is attached to. Virginity is a harmful construct that has no scientific basis and has been used for millennia for the purpose of subjugation. There are plenty of reasons to delay sex that don’t involve losing one’s worth.
Stop shaming childbirth “out of wedlock.” If you want these children to live and be loved, stop punishing those who choose to raise the children they deliver.
End abstinence-only sex education. While this approach may be understandable for faith-based communities, it is not an effective public health strategy and, in fact, research shows its limited effectiveness, particularly as a result of seismic shifts in our understanding of sex and gender.
Support a cultural reorientation toward keeping families together by reducing reliance on foster care and adoption. So many of the reasons children get separated from their first families can be mitigated by a caring society.
Choose anti-racism. For all the outcries over the differences in rates of abortion between white and marginalized people, you’d think the natural response would be to take action to end racism. Somehow, that is not the case.
Leave people alone when they have an abortion. This one is simple. Just stop harassing and belittling them. Focus your efforts on 1-9 with a healthy dose of empathy and understanding.
If you are a Christian who is serious about taking steps to reduce the need for abortion, which is the most effective way to achieve the goal of the anti-abortion movement, then please get to work. If you’re here to bluster about, please step aside and let the rest of us serve all people with Christian love and respect.
One of the things whiteness affords me is access to conversations I don’t want to be having. The tiring ones that I know I’m responsible to engage in by virtue of my privilege, my understanding of the stakes, and a moral imperative to betray white supremacy. So, when I see (and hear) white people denying the existence of systemic racism and chalking up the documented differences in opportunity and outcome between white people and Black, Indigenous, and people of color to personal failings, I’m compelled to seek out airtight responses that will destabilize their worldview. I need them upset and unsure, because that’s where growth starts.
To this end, I’ve been following a piece of evidence that popped up on my radar not too long ago. Something that has actually been known for years, but isn’t widely known among white people. First, Black families are among the fastest-growing populations withdrawing their children to homeschool.
Accomplishing more academically than in conventional schools.
Please take note that the first three reasons given are not academic in nature. These parents brought their babies home to build them up, guard their hearts, and give them space to breathe and just be. Most of the parents who are homeschooling do not have education credentials, as is the case for most homeschool teachers. Degreed and certified teachers have an important role in our educational system, but they do not hold the keys to education.
I think about reparations a lot as a white person from a very long line of white people in the United States who have benefitted tremendously from exploitation. And, I wonder what impact we’d have on the future if Black families suddenly became entitled to a guaranteed living stipend to stay home and educate their kids. And, that is exactly the query I want to pose to people who claim systemic racism doesn’t exist. (But the answer is not what a lot of white people want to think about.)
This past week, a friend found herself with a dilemma. Her parents had given her child a police toy to play with and it made her uncomfortable. I’ve been thinking about her dilemma, because I’ve faced it too. As someone who works toward being conscious and conscientious about the decisions I make as a parent, issues like this require a lot of consideration. I don’t know what the right answer is, but I know what my husband and I have decided.
Our perception of the police is complicated. As a Black man, my husband has been targeted by the police over the course of his life. I have been in the car when he’s been pulled over for no reason and let go as the officer refused to state clearly why we had been bothered. I support the cause of Black Lives Matter and I believe in the use of civil disobedience to protest the egregious treatment of Black people at the hands of the state. I believe that the police are agents of the state issued forth to carry out the dictates of a white supremacist culture. That is the reality we’re living in.
So, why on earth would I allow police imagery in my home? Because while I support defunding and de-militarizing the police, as well as reallocating monies toward community building, I also recognize that even if we could achieve the extinction of poverty, racism, sexism, homophobia, and the like, people would still find ways to hate and to hurt. We will always need some form of refereeing in order to live in concert with one another. That much is true, but policing in its current state does not serve the common good and should be revolutionized.
As I thought about this crisis of conscious, I was reminded of the time my mother brought us a white-centric board book version of the Thanksgiving story. In that moment, I had to make a split second decision. Do I stop her and tell her not to read such a thing in front of my children? I did consider it, but ultimately, I sat as she read and I corrected everything that was wrong. I stopped her every few lines to provide accurate information and appropriate terminology. That is the spirit with which my husband and I interact with the word. We acknowledge the things that aren’t right but, instead of ignoring them, we address them.
When my kids want to watch shows that contain police imagery, I don’t stop them. And, when they receive gifts like Paw Patrol toys, I don’t ban them. Not because I consent to violence, but because proscribing these symbols of tyranny does not eliminate them. It curtails important conversations about them. The police are everywhere. My husband and I have to teach our kids how to interact with them so as not to be killed. We have to explain how members of our community who are kind and care for our kids could be part of a cruel, racist system. We have to help them forge a vision of a future where policing is far less destructive and less necessary. And, we have to give them the space they need to process all of these huge and heavy ideas. Our kids will likely eschew the police in the future, of their own accord. For now, we’re working through concepts that are awfully big for people so new to the world.
So, we won’t go out of our way to expose our children to police shows or toys and we won’t ever buy any. We won’t criticize people whose solution is to ban police images from their homes, as doing so is a completely understandable and valid form of protest. But, we will use the organic opportunities presented to us through curiosity and play to counter the glorification of the police and we will offer, as an alternative, the goal of widespread liberation for Black people from the oppression of law enforcement and criminal justice.
I’m curious how you work through difficult concepts and what you do in your home?
On Saturday, in her first speech as our Vice President-elect, Kamala Harris, remarked that “Black women… are often, too often, overlooked, but so often prove they are the backbone of our democracy.” I want to take this opportunity to highlight some of the familiar and not-so-familiar names that I’ve encountered over the past few days in hopes that this information will make it to your dinner table where you can tell your children about these role models.
There are so many Black women in leadership today who deserve more recognition. I’m going to talk about a few of them who were behind the unexpected voter turnout that flipped Georgia blue. Georgia hasn’t supported a Democratic president since Bill Clinton in the early 1990s, nearly 30 years ago. So, what happened? Black voters, especially young Black voters, came out in force. And, it was no accident. This extraordinary feat in voter registration and empowerment happened at the expert hands of Black women. Whatever your political persuasion, the sheer effort that went into the hundreds of millions of votes cast in the 2020 United States presidential election is impressive.
On the National Stage
Stacey Abrams grew up in Mississippi and moved with her family to Georgia, so her parents could attend graduate school at Emory University in Atlanta. Abrams received a bachelor’s degree in interdisciplinary studies from Spelman College (an HBCU), a master’s in public affairs from the University of Texas, and JD from Yale Law School.
Abrams’ influential political career began when she was involved with a congressional campaign in high school and went on to be hired as a speechwriter as a teenager. She served for a decade in the Georgia House of Representatives before launching a gubernatorial campaign in 2018 against then-Secretary of State, Brian Kemp. She was the first Black woman on any major party’s general ballot for governor.
Though her valiant efforts garnered national attention, she decided that, instead of pursuing legal action or running for political office in the immediate aftermath, she would strike back against the kind of voter disenfranchisement that had cost her the Georgia governorship.
She launched Fair Fight 2020, an organization that seeks to “promote fair elections in Georgia and around the country, encourage voter participation in elections, and educate voters about elections and their voting rights” with a specific emphasis on “voters of color” and “young voters.” She is credited with paving the way to voter registration for more than 800,000 people.
Keisha Lance Bottoms
Arguably, the two most prominent Black women in Georgia today are Stacey Abrams and Keisha Lance Bottoms.
Bottoms was born and raised in Atlanta. She received a bachelor’s in broadcast journalism from Florida A&M University (an HBCU) and a JD from Georgia State University. Her political journey took her from the courtroom to a judgeship to the Atlanta City Council, and then she was elected mayor in 2017. In just three years, she launched herself right into the national arena.
Her remarkable career coupled with her fearless and progressive voice landed her on the short-list for Vice President alongside Representative Val Demings, Senator Elizabeth Warren, and Senator Kamala Harris, who was ultimately selected.
These next five women were instrumental in the high voter turnout among people of color and young folks. Here’s a little about their role in the effort.
Top: Nsé Ufot and Tamieka Atkins Bottom: Deborah Scott, LaTosha Brown, and Helen Butler
Nsé Ufot is the Executive Director of the New Georgia Project, a nonpartisan effort “to register and civically engage Georgians,” particularly the growing population of young people of color and unmarried women who represent the majority of the voting age population in Georgia.
Tamieka Atkins is the executive director of ProGeorgia, a civic engagement group “building infrastructure by supporting, connecting and coordinating civic participation efforts of our non-profit member groups.”
Deborah Scott is the executive director of Georgia STAND-UP, a “think and act tank for working communities” that “organizes and educates communities about issues related to labor unions, transit equity, affordable housing, & economic development.” Their non-partisan voter engagement program, Stand Up and Vote! designed to ensure that residents are “educated and engaged in elections at all levels of government.”
LaTosha Brown is a co-creator of the Black Voters Matter Fund, an electoral organizing group that keys in on voter registration, policy advocacy, and organizational development and training. Their hands-on programs, like a Warrant Clinic that helps people clear warrants and fines they can’t afford and lifts barrier to employment, housing, and voting at the most fundamental level.
Helen Butler is the executive director of the Georgia Coalition for the People’s Agenda whose mission is to improve the quality of governance in Georgia, help create a more informed and active electorate, and have responsive and accountable elected officials. She is especially concerned with justice reform and protecting voting rights.
These women deserve praise and recognition for their hard work. We white parents, in particular, have a responsibility to make Black history come alive for our kids and these leaders are Black history in the making!
We’re back from our first ever week-long break since we started homeschooling and a lot has changed. I have pondered and prayed over a conversation I had with @healingfeelingmother, a reader on Instagram who asked me questions about why I mention specifics about my kids on a public facing platform. My initial response was that the blog is anonymous specifically to protect my children’s identities. But, that conversation set something off in my mind.
Soon, thereafter, I read this post by Ellen Stumbo:
Whew. That hit home. Even though I am Autistic myself, I have no right to speak freely about another Autistic person’s experience without consent. Actually, I have no right to speak about any person’s experience without consent. Here I am, an anti-childist advocate and I’m violating my kids’ privacy on a near-weekly basis. Sure, the blog is anonymous for now, but the plan is to go public in the future once my kids can consent to me becoming what amounts to a public figure in the world of peaceful parenting, however minor my role would be. Even if I’m not talking about them specifically, it would still impact our entire family for all of my words to be associated with me (and us). There’s a reason celebrities are so careful to hide their kids away from the spotlight and, while I’m not saying I’d become a celebrity, the concept still applies to my little section of the internet. Others have already forged this path and I’m stumbling along making mistakes because I wasn’t paying attention.
I went back to see what I had written specifically about my children and, while it wasn’t a lot, so much of it was incredibly revealing. I wrote about moments of vulnerability, emotions, bodily functions, and more all in the name of offering other parents a glimpse into how peaceful parenting can work for them too. I’ve been exploiting my children for the benefit of other children. It has to stop.
Over the past week, I have scoured the blog to remove all references to my kids. No little stories about them or references to them that are in any way traceable. I’m in the process of deleting many of my Facebook posts and archiving most of my Instagram posts that are problematic. And, moving forward, if I need to tell a story to get a point across, it will be de-identified, whether it is my own or someone else’s, unless I have specific consent to discuss it.
Finally, I have a request of all of you. If you see me post something that is inappropriate about my kids, call me out. Tell me I’ve crossed a line so I can rectify the problem. I want to make sure that, once we go public, no one can scroll back through my words and find anything about my children that could be used to shame them or discriminate against them. Thank you all for your continued support of this blog! You are truly my people.
Many of y’all have probably figured out by now that I like to deep dive into some common concepts that we all know but, perhaps, haven’t thought about in terms of parenting. Recently, I’ve been thinking about independence versus autonomy and what the distinction means for our children.
‘Autonomous’ means ‘self-directed’. Auto – nomy. From the Greek ‘autos’ – self, and ‘nomos’ – law. It means that your drive to act comes from inside yourself.
‘Independent’ means ‘not influenced by outside forces’. It is from the french ‘in’ – not, and ‘dependant’ – hanging from. It means ‘not hanging from’ – or ‘not dependent on’ anything.
So although the meaning is similar, it is different, as you say.
He is completely autonomous as a freelancer and defines his own programme.
The child is able to play autonomously – she makes up her own games.
The freelancer is independent of any company – no-one tells him what to do.
The child is able to play independently – without her parents’ supervision.
Autonomous – self directed
Independent – not needing or not influenced by others
The sense of the words I had going into my deep dive was borne out in this explanation. I struggle to place significant value on independence as I do not believe it is a particularly important value. It is a very “American” value as this culture has come to believe any dependence on another person constitutes a moral failure, but I do not agree.
I think that we should aim to be interdependent. Not independent. Interdependence means not only that we rely on others, but they rely on us as well. It offers inherent motivation to care for both ourselves and for others. It does not shame us for our human needs and it does not present a moral high ground from which we can look down on those who have different intelligences and capacities.
Interdependence places responsibility on entire cultures rather than on individuals. It is something that is lacking in the United States where we allow our neighbors to go hungry, become victims of state violence, and be silenced by more powerful people. And, interdependence is probably better for our kids too. The push for independence is what leads parents to refuse to take forgotten lunches to school and lock children in their rooms until they clean up all on their own.
Are we putting value on the wrong thing? And, what of autonomy? Autonomy imbues children with power. It is the authority behind self-determined decisions, including how we choose to respond to difficult situations. Everyone reading this certainly wants their children to learn to do things for themselves, but on whose schedule? Is a child who can’t tie a shoe but can cook a full meal any less worthy? These are some of the many questions I have asked myself over these past weeks.
In my own little family, I do my best to ensure my children’s autonomy is as intact as possible. I try to leave decisions in their hands as much as I can without slipping into parentification. For instance, no one in my home is required or expected to clean alone. We all pitch in and the children learn through team involvement. I also don’t rush my children into developmental milestones. We don’t “potty train” kids in this house, for instance. We believe that our children will develop in their own time when given opportunities to try new things. And, that’s the key for us. If we never give the kids a chance to do something on their own, how will they ever know if they can do it? By the same token, if we force the kids to do something new, what are they learning from our coercion? And, what’s the use of teaching them to do something completely on their own without help rather than teaching them to advocate for themselves when they do need help? It all takes balance, which is something I’m learning how to do day to day. It requires deep respect for children and a willingness to actually listen. Not just hear our kids, but listen to what they are communicating in words or in behavior.
So, what’s your take? Do you value independence or autonomy? Do you prioritize one or both? How do you leverage your ability to support your children’s independence or autonomy toward fostering an anti-childist upbringing for them?
I am the only white member of my household as my husband and children are all Black. As a result, I live a life that is different from families that are entirely white. My whiteness grants me access and privilege that does not extend to the rest of my family, so I’m outside looking in at their experience while simultaneously living with worries about their lives and welfare. My husband has a long commute for work and I am often afraid of what could happen if he got pulled over or if his car broke down in a predominantly white area. It’s a complicated place to be and one that I didn’t fully understand when I got married.
To help those of you who might not realize just how complex it is for white people and people of color to be in relationship with each other or for white people to parent children of color, I’ve condensed some of the lessons I’ve learned as a mom since my little family got its start all those years ago. If any of this is upsetting, I get it. When we choose to partner with people of color, we’re choosing a road that can lead to a lot of painful self-realization and recognition of challenges we cannot resolve. Our job is to keep investigating our perspectives and motivations, never letting up, for the benefit of our partners and children.
Principle 1. We Must Know Our Place and Understand Our Impact
Start by figuring out where you fall among the 8 White Identities and then do the work yourself to progress along your path. A lot of white parents get stuck in white guilt and heap exhausting performative monologues upon people of color. Don’t do this. We are absolutely steeped in White Supremacy Culture and it gets reinforced for us daily. Read about it. Learn about it. Actively reject it.
As Yolanda Williams of Parenting Decolonized explains, “To divest from white supremacy means you’ll have to give something up, something that you benefit from as a white or non-Black POC. Think hard about it. The fact that it’s a struggle for many to figure out how to divest is a testament to how privileged you are and how intertwined white supremacy is to that privilege.”
It is imperative that we seek out decolonizing and anti-racist resources while understanding that we are colonizers who benefit from the impacts of colonization. We will not be able to decolonize our minds entirely, but we can certainly minimize the harm we do.
Principle 2. We Must Decenter Ourselves and Listen to People of Color
It can be difficult to maintain perspective when we’re close to a situation. When we begin to identify with our partners and children, who are experiencing the trauma of oppression, that feeling is empathy and it’s a good thing. However, we can lose ourselves in it and slip into taking the position of an oppressed person. When we do that, we are centering, which means we are no longer bearing with our loved ones. Rather, we are prioritizing our own feelings and, in doing so, we can lose sight of what we should be doing.
Are you familiar with Ring Theory? It’s an approach to compassionately support grieving people while getting our own needs met. The goal is to avoid unloading our emotions onto the people closest to the grief or trauma. Instead, we should turn to people who are even further from the situation than we are. A typical ring might look like this:
The person in the center is the focus of our empathy and we must find ourselves somewhere in the concentric circles. Once we know where we are in relation to our loved ones, we need to be careful not to vent inward. I think about Ring Theory often as a white wife to a Black man, because it’s far too easy for me to forget that he is the person experiencing first-hand oppression. Not me. So, what Ring Theory does for me is that it conditions me to be cognizant about how I talk to my Black friends and family about the struggles I’m facing as a white person. And, I try to avoid centering my feelings and fears in conversations about race whether in person or online.
And, when I do need extra support, I have cultivated a circle of friends that includes white people who understand all of this and are willing to validate my feelings or tell me the truth, whichever the situation calls for.
Principle 3. We Know What It’s Like to Be White and Only White
White parents cannot raise children into their non-white cultures. I cannot raise my children to be Black. I am not Black. Therefore, I have to make every possible effort to steep them in their own culture.
For my part, I defer to my children’s Black relatives on matters of race. For instance, my children have a Black father and a white mother and I say they are Black. Why? Because I defer to their father and I understand that the terminology we use every day is crucial as he raises them into their Black identity. I also recognize that my children will not be viewed as white by white people and I am unwilling to send them out into this world unaware of what that means for them. However, I do not argue with Black people who tell me my children are biracial or Black biracial. The parameters of Blackness are not my white business. Group dynamics like these are matters that are internal to non-white cultural groups and they need no white perspectives.
On that note, we have to stop butting in everywhere and getting too comfortable in spaces where people of color are trying to coexist. Remember that neither our presence nor our opinion is needed where people of color are fellowshipping. While our contributions may possibly be of some value, our absence is always of value. That means observing hard and fast rules like no using the n-word (er/a) period, no memes of Black people (aka digital blackface), no speaking up in conversations where people of color are talking about their own business that has nothing to do with you, no walking into discussions that have explicitly been opened to people of color, and no using euphemisms for the word white (e.g. YT, whyte, etc.). If that last one threw you off, here’s an explanation. These words are used online, especially on social media platforms, by people of color because their posts about white people tend to get flagged as hate speech. Their accounts get suspended, which silences them. Predictably, white people don’t experience the same silencing for our blatantly racist posts. And, while we’re on the topic, we should also consider not using words like “Becky” and “Karen” that place distance between us and problematic white people because we are also problematic white people!
And, another thing. If one person of color tells you something you’re doing is ok and 99 others tell you it’s not, take care who you listen to. No group of people is a monolith. Our responsibility is to understand our impact as white people.
The more you learn, the more you will recognize when your choices are separating your child from their culture, which happens often when WE are uncomfortable. We cannot truly identify with our children’s lived experiences, so our children need people around who can. Do not allow your child’s heritage be defined or described in terms of their relationship to whiteness. They have their own needs and it is incumbent upon us as their parents to learn about what they need. From psychosocial necessities to basic hygiene, do not assume their needs are the same as yours. Take it upon yourself to seek out spaces that are managed by people who look like your child and are willing to open up education to white parents. Find folks who will unabashedly challenge your whiteness for the benefit of your kids. Try Unlearning Racism on Facebook as a general starting point. If you are a white parent of Black kids like me, Culturally Fluent Families might be for you.
Principle 4. We Cannot Raise Our Children Into Their Full Cultural Heritage and Birthright
Teach your child about their heritage to the best of your limited ability and give them proximity to it. For some parents, that may even mean moving out of predominantly white areas. Every single choice you make regarding your child is an opportunity to give them exposure to their culture. For instance, if your Primary Care Physician is white, you could find a PCP that shares the same cultural heritage as your child. When you’re deciding on extracurriculars, seek out ways to incorporate aspects of your child’s non-white culture. Embed your children in their cultural institutions such as churches, schools, and organizations that were founded by and for members of your child’s cultural heritage. At the very least, seek access to spaces where your children see their own faces reflected back at them.
And, make sure your children know who their ancestors were BEFORE they were colonized. White supremacy likes to do things like starting Black history off with enslavement as though that is the beginning of the story. We have to counteract that evil. So, think long and hard about everything you willingly expose your child to. Little things as simple as reading Dr. Seuss books can come with lifelong consequences. Every choice matters.
Principle 5. Our Whiteness Is Harmful to Our Children and Their Communities of Heritage
If your kids are your biological children, understand that not every person of color is going to celebrate the infusion of your whiteness in your non-white child. If your kids are not your biological children, especially if they are adopted and do not have a white biological parent, understand that there is a lot of discomfort around white people raising children of color and that you might hear difficult things like claims that you stole a child from a different culture or that you are not qualified to raise your child. Instead of defending yourself, understand that these concerns exist for good reason. Take the initiative to learn why your whiteness is not necessarily appreciated, particularly considering the history of whiteness in the United States.
As you do, pay very close attention to how you use your words to talk about your child’s non-white culture. What we say to our children makes an enormous impact and we may be doing harm unintentionally as our perspective is filtered through our whiteness. No matter who you choose to listen to and what you choose to believe, be very careful how you talk about things like movements by and for people of color such as Water Protectors and Black Lives Matter. Consider that, if you take a negative stance around these movements, it is because you either do not understand their purpose (which is correctable ignorance) or because you understand their purpose and you don’t care (which is racist). You don’t have to throw your full support behind complex things that make you uneasy, but you do need to investigate that uneasiness and, at the very least, avoid disparaging the work that people of color are doing for their own well-being.
Bottom line, people of color do not owe us their labor, their explanations, or their friendship. Realize that we are distrusted and disliked by virtue of our oppressive culture and the ease with which we slip into our privilege to their detriment. We should be doing anti-racist, decolonizing work, no matter how people of color regard us. Let go of the ego.
As I learn more about the impact of my whiteness, I have moments when I wonder if it would have been better for me not to have ever encroached on Blackness to begin with. I’m sure there are Black people reading this who would absolutely agree with me and I understand why. I mention this to communicate the weight of what it really means for a white person to choose to parent interculturally. It is not something that can be resolved. Certainly not by using our whiteness as a blanket to snuff out criticism from people of color. It is a choice we will live with as long as we draw breath and it deserves our utmost consideration and respect.
We are responsible for the harm we cause and, frankly, the best thing we can do is shut up and learn every single day. If you are willing to be wrong and to be embarrassed, you’ll make progress. And, if you accept that you will never be everything for your children, you might just be able to give them what they need. Let yourself be left out and let your whiteness be pushed to the side. If you are willing to sacrifice for your children, sacrifice your whiteness first.
As parents, we will harm our children in some way. It’s the nature of genuine relationships to expand and contract in closeness, to struggle in balancing boundaries, and to waver between selfishness and selflessness. Committing to do the least harm requires that we spend much time considering the impacts of our actions, which is what makes peaceful parenting so challenging for many of us. Reacting is easy. Thoughtfully responding to our children gets exhausting fast, even for those of us who have been doing it for a long while.
This past week, a reply to one of my Facebook posts got me thinking about my own inclination toward defensiveness around my parenting choices. I had posted a meme that compared two ways to speak gently with a child who doesn’t want to take a nap. A reader remarked that a third potential solution was to allow children to choose for themselves when they want to sleep. Gasp! I was poised to explain why their solution couldn’t work for me rather than admitting their suggestion was the gentler, more respectful approach. My childist reaction was to defend my situation whereas the anti-childist response was to simply sit with the suggestion, however uncomfortable it was.
You see, I’ve battled lifelong insomnia. Aside from medication, nothing helps. It is just one of the many symptoms of autism that I experience. Anything that makes it more difficult for me to sleep, including my children, becomes an object of great consternation for me. And, the reality is that different kids have different internal clocks, so my best solution has been to get the whole family on a united sleep schedule. Unfortunately, imposing a a schedule onto my kids is not the ideal option for me as a peaceful parent. My preference will always be to give my children autonomy over their lives.
And, that’s what this reader was offering… an opportunity to make a better choice. I often hear people say things like, “every child is different,” implying that parents should have free license to use whatever approaches we deem necessary. I disagree. While every child is different, children have a right to be free from coercion, punishment, and violence. It is never okay to yell at or hit a child. And it’s not okay to pressure children to bend to the will of an adult. I can’t excuse the childism that influences the way I interact with my kids and neither should you. Our goal must be to reject childism and to choose to be anti-childist.
Ultimately, my anti-childist decision was to like react this reader’s nap alternative and withhold my defensive reaction. Other readers needed to know the clearly anti-childist solution and I needed the reminder. It’s not really about naptime at all. It’s about investigating and diminishing the adult-centric way we address the challenges our children experience.
When we are deciding how we will approach these challenges, there are some questions we need to ask ourselves and wrestle with:
What does my child need?
What do I need?
How can I address both our needs while respecting my child’s autonomy?
Are there alternatives I haven’t tried because they’re inconvenient?
How is childism affecting the decision I’m about to make?
How might this decision harm my child?
How might this decision harm our relationship?
As we seek to do the least harm, we will be challenged by people who have better solutions than the ones we’ve been using. Instead of explaining why we can’t choose the anti-childist option, let’s look for ways to incorporate those better solutions into our approaches. In doing so, our anti-childist orientation will grow and mature with the help of our partners, our children, and our peaceful parenting community.
Today’s post will be a little different than usual. I’m going to highlight some resources by people of color that will provide us all with some direction in the midst of these crucial protests to save Black lives. I encourage you to join the Facebook group Unlearning Racism (may be archived temporarily to give the BIPOC moderators a break) as your first step.
First, Understand This
Tips for White People and Non-Black People of Color
We hear it from moms all the time, “don’t judge me!” So, let’s talk about judgment. Do we really not want judgment to exist? Do we not want it to exist for us?
When we say, “don’t judge me,” what we really mean is “don’t make me feel uncomfortable for my beliefs and my behavior (whether or not I’m doing harm).” We don’t actually want to do away with judgment. After all, it’s why humans exist today. At its core, judgment is a crucial gauge for self-preservation. We look at another person and assess whether or not they are a threat. Is the person wielding a knife and chasing us? That person gets a judgment of “dangerous.” If a person murders a little child, they too get a judgment of “dangerous.” And, that’s not a bad thing. It’s what keeps our society from imploding. We need judgment. See, we really have no problem with judgment when our collective perception of the threat is high enough, but we are often at odds over the threat level inherent in parenting decisions that have longer-terms outcomes.
That’s why we find ourselves taking sides when our basic threat assessment instinct translates into more complex ideas. Should we put our babies down to sleep on their stomachs? Should we put cereal into milk to get a baby to sleep through the night? We know the empirical risk (a higher rate of death for stomach sleepers and cereal drinkers) and we know the science (source and source). So, what do we do with that information? Herein lies the rub. Many parents are willing to make more rational, less risky decisions when they receive information in a neutral manner, especially when they discover it themselves through education. So, the problem isn’t being corrected. The problem is being embarrassed and/or not knowing what else to do. That’s really what leads us to avoid being judged. But we can learn and grow when we listen and lean into the discomfort.
Now, if your goal is drama and shaming, none of what I’m about to say applies to you. There are groups online, like on Facebook, that were created with drama in mind. They are completely uncensored and you subject yourself to roasting when you join, but it’s completely by choice and there are mutual understandings upon entering these groups. And, if you are a member of a marginalized group who needs to express strong emotions, do that. You are not personally responsible for educating anyone, though, when you do, the message is incredibly powerful.
But, if your goal is to let someone know that something they’re doing as a parent is potentially dangerous and encourage a change of heart, try these tips for delivering that uncomfortable, negative feedback:
Separate the Thought/Behavior from the Person. Let’s go ahead and do away with the entire concept of a “shit parent,” mmkay?
Do Not Condemn. While judgment is evaluating where a person stands with respect to your value system, condemnation is forming a negative, often self-righteous, opinion of the person based on your judgment. We are all works in progress and we all have areas of growth. Avoiding condemnation keeps us oriented toward understanding and care.
Adjust Your Attitude. Rather than looking at another person as an ignorant buffoon, see who they really are: someone doing the best they can with the information and resources at their disposal.
Pick Your Moment. This one’s pretty tough, especially for those of us who have some trouble reading social context. But, to the best of your ability, try to offer constructive criticism when a person is not down or on the defensive. No matter how gently you word your remarks to a person who is being harshly criticized, you run the risk of being lump into the dog pile. There’s no harm in waiting for another opportunity.
Be Empathetic. If you don’t understand why a person chooses risky behaviors, find out. But, don’t ask questions simply to pounce. Ask questions to get to know the other person. Also, think about your strategy. Posting a furious message online to someone could elicit thoughtfulness, but most likely won’t. Think about your end goal.
Obtain Consent. Whenever possible, you can prepare the other person by asking “Do you have the energy for some feedback from me?”
Be Direct. It can be hard to tell someone outright how we feel, so there can be a tendency to use compliments to soften the blow. However, they can be received as dishonest. Just get to the point. “I wasn’t sure how to say this, so I’ll just say it…” or “I noticed something I wanted to mention to you…” or “I don’t know if you knew this…”
Affirm the Person. I know I just said don’t compliment and I meant it. Compliments are positive judgments about people. “You look nice today!” Affirmations are expressions of respect. “I know you’re the type of mom who would do anything for you kids, so I wanted to mention something to you…”
Be Prepared to Find Out You’re Wrong. This process goes both ways. We don’t know everything about everything. We see things from a particular perspective that is informed by our knowledge and experience. However, we could well be wrong. For instance, if you throw studies at me about how detrimental screen time is, I’ll probably turn right around and tell you how beneficial video games can be. We can miss nuance when we’re unwilling to listen and, in doing so, we miss opportunities for learning.
Accept That You May Not Be the Right Person for the Job. Different people respond to different things. Have you ever been in a conversation, said something, and then someone else says the same thing in a different way and folks just get it? I’ve been there often. In many cases, I’m not speaking a language the other person needs in order to understand.
Back Off. If you’re not getting through, leave it alone. You have done what you can do and trying to beat the person down with your knowledge will lead only to a broken relationship.
Of course, all of this is based on the strength of your relationship. The closer you are, the harder it is to give negative feedback but the more your words will matter. I have a dear friend who has a very traditional view of parenting. When I first got into Peaceful Parenting (and admittedly couldn’t stop talking about it on social media) this friend was about done with me. In the beginning, we had minor spats about things. Over time, it became something of an inside joke between the two of us that we were so different. But, out of our relationship, I came to better understand the challenges of parenting while Black and she came to appreciate the dangers of spanking. We’re still not on the same page where parenting is concerned, and even if that never happens, we care about each other.
It has always been difficult for me to recognize how others are perceiving me. It’s not that I’m not empathetic. I have deep wells of empathy that leave me washed over with emotion when I let myself feel too much. But, that interpersonal, cognitive empathy continues to elude me to this day. It takes a lot of effort to grasp what’s expected and what people need from me. So, I offer this advice knowing from trial and error how effective it can be. People just want to be seen and cared about. I think we can all do that for each other.
By now, the COVID-19 crisis has touched us all in some way. In the U.S., we’ve inched into the top spot globally for confirmed infections and, I don’t know about you, but I find myself watching the trackers and praying that those “serious” cases resolve into the “recovered” column instead of the “deceased” column. People keep asking when this will be over, but that’s an impossible question to answer. Everything is different now and will never be the same again.
This is a scary time for all of us, adults and children alike. I’m not doomsdaying y’all. Not at all. There is hope and joy both now and on the other side of COVID-19. It just looks different than anything we’ve known in our lifetimes. We’ve never experienced anything like this before and we’ve got to give ourselves grace. You’re not alone. You are seen.
May I ask you about your COVID-19 experience?
Have you yelled at, spanked, or otherwise dealt harshly with your kids?
Have you cried because you’re completely overwhelmed and you can’t see the end?
Have you felt your mental health slipping and/or are you on a medication that no longer feels like it’s working?
Have you backed off limits that you never meant to release and now feel your kids are overrunning your boundaries?
Have you snapped at other people because the situation with your kids is sending you over the edge?
Have you had thoughts about your kids or being a parent that secretly embarrassed you or made you feel ashamed?
Have you voiced any of those thoughts in front of your kids?
Have you become super strict or super lax or some confusing combination of the two?
Have you, at any point during the COVID-19 crisis, felt like a bad or failing parent?
If you answered yes to any of those questions and you’re feeling bad about yourself, I’m here to tell you that you are loved and worthy regardless.
I’ve got some ideas I hope will help and support you, but I truly do want you to give yourself grace. If something doesn’t resonate, please move on and release it. I’m hoping to refresh you, not bog you down more. And, I’ll be very honest. I’m feeling completely inadequate right now in terms of helping y’all when I’m right in the midst of this mess myself. We’re in this together, friends.
This post is separated into two big sections which you can jump to or read straight through. I know we’re all a bit short on time, given the circumstances, so take what you need.
It’s ok not to be ok. It’s ok not to have it together. It’s ok not to feel like your normal self. It’s ok to need more support than usual.
If you’re feeling more tired and unmotivated than usual even though the outside world seems to be slowing down, know that you are under an incredible level of constant stress. There will be moments of happiness, of course, but that overwhelming feeling of just not being able to manage runs like a dark current underneath everything you’re trying to do. It’s all real. Nobody was prepared for how much time and effort it would take to get through the pandemic. We have no experience on which to base our thoughts going into this.
In this incredibly vulnerable experience, you may feel your life resetting. Let it. Some good may be taking place in the background. Even as you worry for your kids, they are experiencing a desperately needed course correction. You are gaining insight into the things in the background that have been draining you. And, you are experiencing what people have experienced throughout time and catastrophe: a readjustment of values. It’s a necessary part of the human condition. As a result, you are bound to be exhausted and jittery and done. None of this is easy and you can’t just relax the days away. No, there’s still much to do but, please, take care of yourselves as you go.
To the essential workers out there, you are profoundly appreciated. We see you on the front lines. We know you can’t slow down and we pray that you remain strong. Bless you all!
You ARE Being Crushed Right Now
Don’t let anyone tell you how you feel or how your family has been affected. What you’re experiencing is absolutely real. I want to acknowledge that at the top and validate your suffering. We’re all struggling, some so much more than others. Some were struggling intensely before this crisis hit and, now… it’s utterly disastrous. There may be plenty of love to go around, but not quite enough resources or energy, so no one (including you) is getting everything they need.
In particular, if you’re a career parent, please understand, you may be feeling like some sort of combined Stay-at-Home/Work-at-Home/Teacher parent. But, you’re not. You are something way beyond. Something that defies definition. You aren’t meant to handle everything all at once like this plus all the emotional turmoil of a global crisis. I admire y’all so much.
I’ve seen some shaming messages floating around social media about how domestically productive we should be right now. Ignore all of it. Who could have anticipated this intense psychological burden, the loss of familiarity, or the feelings of walls closing in on us? Now’s the time to celebrate what we can do and brush off what we can’t.
A special note to my Asian American friends. Your experience in this crisis is different from that of others. Your heightened stress and fear are real and valid. Check out this piece from therapists who have been supporting Asian clients for some ideas on how to manage. If you need to take someone along with you when you go out, DO IT. Please, be careful out there.
Get Your Basics Covered
Prioritize filling your belly, bathing your body, and getting rest. It’s so easy to put our needs to the side when we’re so focused on our children. But, we can’t maintain this workload without making sure our basic needs are met.
If you’ve lost income and are concerned about making sure your family is protected and fed, do what you must and make no excuses for it. Here’s where to go get help:
This situation is directly challenging the American values of consumerism and capitalism. It’s revealing bleak disparities between the haves and have nots. And, it’s making us seriously consider our needs versus our wants. These are extraordinary times. We are face to face with a pivotal moment in history, and it’s painful.
There’s so much worry in the world as it is. Try not to get caught up in the fervor and hypotheses around COVID-19 if they negatively impact your mental health in any way. I encourage you to cut out the areas of social media that cause you distress, at least temporarily. Focus, instead, on what you can do and make that your goal.
Take Inventory of Your Stressors
And, put them in their proper place for the time being. A friend recently posted about no longer being able to hide from fears and stressors, because of the conditions under which we’re currently living. From her own experience, she writes,
Maybe being alone is uncomfortable for you and you’ve always avoided that feeling by socializing with others.
Maybe there are inequities in your domestic partnership that you normally brush under the rug but that aren’t sustainable now.
Maybe there have always been boundary issues with a person in your life (like a parent) that you can normally tolerate but that’s becoming increasingly untenable.
Maybe the ways you normally cope with an [eating disorder] aren’t available to you right now and you need to find new, more evolved methods.
Maybe slowing down is really difficult for you because momentum and adrenaline are how you’re able to get through the day and feel like you did enough.
As you encounter unavoidable, mental health-killing circumstances, take a few minutes here and there to write out what’s happening so that you can deal with these issues when you’re not in the middle a crisis situation. If there is any silver lining to this terrible cloud, it’s that we’re being brought face to face with all the things we’ve been running from. So, fortify your boundaries as you need and prioritize yourself. There will be time to tackle all of these things in the future. Now is the time to pare down and deal with what’s right in front of you.
If you know someone who is in danger due to the spike in domestic violence, the national hotline number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). And, the child abuse hotline is 1-800-4ACHILD (422-4453).
Lower Your Expectations
No matter how prepared any of us might have thought we were for a major disaster like COVID-19, no one was actually prepared and nothing that’s happening is normal. If you’ve been beating yourself up because you haven’t been able to keep your house clean or because your children are spending too much time indoors on screens, stop. Stop right now. Do whatever must be done and let the rest go. If it would improve your mental health, consider planning out how you can accomplish the things you want to do, keeping in mind that your plan can include getting things done after the crisis is over. You don’t need to be everything and do everything right now just because the country is at an apparent standstill. If your mental health is off, and you can’t handle any more than you’re already doing, it’s ok. Ask for help where you can and let the rest go.
By the same token, do what you need to do in order to feel more in control. You may need more structure and routine or you may need less. Don’t feel guilty for scrolling right past all the advice for how to better organize your time or pandemic school… er “homeschool” your kids (Sidebar: No one is really homeschooling right now. Homeschool is an academic and social venture. What we’re doing is something much more strained.) Do whatever it is you have to do in order to get by.
Find An Escape
“Silly” self-care ideas like bubble baths and long walks may actually be exactly what you need. And, for the record, they aren’t silly. You may be craving a long, hot shower. Take one after your kids go to sleep. Do it and don’t worry about anything else for a few moments. Just focus on yourself. The shower is a great place for a good cry if you need that emotional release. After all, tears can be healing. The same goes for taking a walk, meditating in nature, reading a book, taking a short drive, baking some cookies, and so on. Whatever small things you can do each day to stop hyperfocusing on what’s bothering you even if just for a few minutes can be the refresh that you need.
YouTube is rich with hundreds of thousands of hours of practices that can help improve your ability to manage your stress and anxiety levels. Here are just a handful of those videos:
This escape could also come in the form of therapy. So many therapists are doing telesessions right now. It’s entirely worth the effort to get real help from a real person. And, realistically, your therapist can do a whole lot more for you than I can in this little blog post.
Our children all know something’s up by now. Some seem mostly oblivious. Some seem curious. And, some seem concerned. These are all natural responses to such big changes. As parents, we can help our kids navigate this challenging time with some kid-friendly psychology in mind.
If you have about an hour to listen to a talk, I strongly recommend checking this one out. Otherwise, read on!
Turn Your Attention to Healing
You’re going to mess up with your kids right now. I can’t imagine a way we wouldn’t while our brains are swimming in a sea of stress. So, apologize. Often. Let your children know you will make mistakes and they will make mistakes and you can love each other through it anyway. Voice it. Tell them how important they are to you and how glad you are that they’re in your life. Tell them how much their presence lifts your spirits and that you’re grateful to have an amazing family like yours. Try to find moments to build them up because, in doing so, you will build your relationship and provide them with the connection they’re craving right now. And, perhaps, you’ll even soothe some of those big emotions that are responsible for the blow-ups you and your children are experiencing. There’s no downside to telling a child how much they’re loved. And, please remember, children are resilient and traumatic stress is not a given. So, if you’ve been worried that you’re “ruining” your kids during this difficult time, let those concerns go and look for ways to connect and restore. Heal together.
Hear What Kids Are Saying
Don’t be afraid to talk with your child. Listen to what they’re saying. Sometimes we can project our own fears onto our kids and misinterpret what they mean. Right now, we need to be listening carefully to what our kids are actually saying and asking us. When they ask questions, answer only the question that’s been asked. Listen and get at what fears underlie the things they say.
A friend recently told me about how her children were talking about their own illnesses from a few months ago. This is called generalizing which is when humans take a new piece of information and apply it more broadly to enhance understanding. If children don’t have a great deal of experience with sickness, they may try to recall the last time they or a loved one fell ill. Don’t be alarmed if your child does this. They’re likely trying to fully grasp what’s happening and you can use it to help them by letting them know that, yes, they were sick so they know what it’s like not to feel well.
Hear What They’re Not Saying
Children’s anxiety tends to manifest in ways that do not involve them saying frankly, “I am anxious.” Here are some of the things to watch for that could signal anxiety if they seem new or especially enhanced right now:
Appearing afraid in everyday situations where they didn’t before
Refusing to communicate
Refusing to eat or becoming neurotic about food
Stomachaches, headaches, and/or elevated pulse
Unusual irritability or lashing out
Increased question asking
If you aren’t a mental health professional, don’t worry. You can help counter some of your child’s anxiety at home. And, if it gets to be too much and you’re concerned for your child, many therapists are doing televisits, so you don’t have to leave your home to get help.
If you’re not already in a new routine, try getting your family on a schedule. For some families, an hour by hour schedule helps keep a good rhythm going. For others, the thought of a strict schedule shuts you down. Don’t panic! General guidelines for when the family will wake, eat, and do everything else in between would be perfectly ok. The goal is to develop a cadence to this new life we’re living temporarily. It’s important to maintain boundaries and expectations, and it’s also important to be flexible and understanding.
As for school, I absolutely encourage you to make sure your kids are keeping up with expectations especially out of respect for the work your children’s teachers are doing in the background, but I can’t stress enough that other things are also important. While the world is on pause, you may have a greater opportunity to connect with your kids (and other members of your family) in a way that you’ve literally never had before.
Get Them Connected and Proactive
I’ve seen some wonderful memes recently that remind us that we’re not socially isolated but rather physically isolated. Try to find ways to get your kids connected to trusted adults and their peers. Phone calls and video chats are great. Gaming that involves interacting with other players is another option. Your kids may have some ideas you haven’t even thought of, so ask!
And, remind them that they can help defeat this viral foe. We’ve likely all seen those memes about handwashing to various songs. They’re funny AND TRUE. Teaching kids about hygiene (handwashing, sneezing into the elbow, sanitizing doorknobs, and the like) is a great way to give them something concrete to do in response to feelings of helplessness.
Choose Family-Based Solutions
If your kids are at each other’s throats and angry with you at the same time, call upon the strength of your family to make a way. I was speaking with a friend who has really been struggling to meet her children’s needs. They all seem to need her at once and they’re taking out their pent up anxiety on each other in the form of aggression. She feels outnumbered.
We talked about this situation offering a chance to teach the kids about graciousness and empathy, not just for her as their mother, but also for each other. I suggested working with the kids to come up with a code phrase, like “Activate Empathy!” which would be a signal for everyone to either look around for someone to help or to stop where they are and ask their mother how they can help. Whatever works for the family.
Be Honest and Age Appropriate (But Don’t Reveal More Than Needed)
Make sure you know where your kids are getting their information about COVID-19. If they are becoming consumed with the news, try to find ways to reduce their information intake. For some kids, it may decrease anxiety to keep an eye on things. In such a case, you can work out how that’s going to look and what they should do if something scares them.
If you’re struggling to find the words to respond to your children’s concerns about COVID-19, start by trying to ascertain what your child already knows. From there, encourage your child to ask questions. Check out this video from the Child Mind Institute:
Work Toward Empathetic Reframing
If you’ve been practicing Peaceful Parenting techniques, you’ve likely had some exposure to offering empathetic reassurance without making promises you can’t guarantee. If not, click here to read a brief overview of how to provide reassurance in a healthy way. It may feel easiest to tell our kids they have nothing to worry about, but the reality is that they do. We all do. And we can do something about it! When your child gives you their version of a doomsday scenario or asks a difficult questions, reframe and de-escalate. For a fantastic explanation of this concept, check out this message from Dr. Tina Payne Bryson.
With her message in mind, let’s try fielding a few questions. Remember, there are no perfect responses. Just answers couched in our best effort to give our kids feelings of safety rather than fear.
For Younger Children: First ask, “What do you think is happening?” and see where your child stands. If you can use the information they are able to articulate, you’re well on your way to helping them understand. If you need a quick script, try this. “There’s a teeny, tiny little germ that’s making people sick with a cough, so everyone is staying at home to be safe and not get sick.”
For Older Children: If your child is ready for more information, I recommend choosing an existing child-friendly video to explain what COVID-19 is. Brain Pop has a section on their website that presents information about COVID-19 in the form of a school lesson, complete with vocabulary and a quiz plus other cool features. Allowing an older child to view this information in a simulated school assignment may provide some distance so it’s not as scary.
When will this be over?
For Younger Children: It won’t last forever! We’re going to do our part to be safe, so we can get back to normal very soon.
For Older Children: By keeping ourselves clean and giving people six feet of space from us whenever we go out, we’ll be able to conquer the sickness and this will be over very soon.
Is school closed forever? Are all the teachers sick?
For Younger Children: School isn’t closed forever and your teachers aren’t all sick. We’re staying home so we can keep ourselves safe and help doctors and nurses do their jobs.
For Older Children: The people who run the school have closed the building to make sure students stay safe right now. Some teachers might be sick, but not all. For now, we’re going to keep doing schoolwork assigned by your teacher to make sure you know everything you’re supposed to know.
Can I go to the park?
For Younger Children: Response: (Depending on your area’s social distancing requirements…) Sure, we can go to the park and walk around! The playground is closed, though, so let’s go see if we can find some ladybugs.
For Older Children: (Depending on your area’s social distancing requirements…) Yes, walking around outside is ok. You’ll see some areas sectioned off, since the city wanted to keep everyone safe from sharing germs on the equipment.
Why can’t I see my friends?
For Younger Children: I know you miss your friends a lot and you want to play with them. Just like us, your friends are safe at home for a while. How about we find a friend to video chat with?
For Older Children: I know it’s hard to be apart from the people who make you feel your best. In order to keep everyone as safe and healthy as possible, it’s important for us all to stay home for a while. How about reaching out to them?
If I hug you, will you get sick?
For Younger Children: Come get a hug! One of the reasons we’re sticking to ourselves right now is so that we can talk and cuddle as much as we want to.
For Older Children: You can have a hug any time you need! One of the benefits of staying home and practicing social distancing is that we protect ourselves from the virus, so we can stick together.
Is everyone going to die?
For Younger Children: Absolutely not. Everyone is not going to die. We’re helping everyone keep safe by staying home. Can you think of someone you love very much to call and talk to?
For Older Children: Absolutely not. Our entire country is taking steps to protect as many people as possible. Would you like to make some calls with me? I’m going to check in on family.
The goal here is not to lie or overflate any promise of safety, but to reduce fear by focusing on what we can do to be safer.
Some awesome folks have done a lot of the necessary footwork to help kids understand sickness and COVID-19. Check out these episodes for a positive spin on how to tackle this coronavirus, one kid at a time.
If you’re not familiar with childism, you aren’t alone. Most of the people I talk with aren’t familiar with it. Some even scoff at the idea as though the concept of prejudice against children is so preposterous, it could not possibly exist. If you’re struggling to see how we systemically discriminate against children, consider the following ways, as described by Happiness is Here, in which we treat children differently from adults:
It’s every time a parent is asked ‘is she hungry?’ or ‘does she like strawberries?’ instead of the question being directed at the child who is very capable of answering.
It’s every time a child’s emotions elicit laughter instead of empathy.
It’s withholding food/water/affection until a child says ‘please’ to satisfy an adult ego.
It’s adults believing they have the ‘right’ to physically punish people because of their age.
It’s countries where hitting children is legal and there are guidelines as to where and how you can smack them. Guidelines for hitting your wife would be abhorrent, but age somehow changes perspectives.
It’s a general intolerance for childish behaviour interfering with an adults desires, and the view that children should be ‘seen and not heard’.
It’s adults making decisions about cosmetic alterations to their child’s body such as circumcision, ear-piercing, haircuts, without consent.
It’s forced affection or ‘give me a cuddle or I’ll be sad and cry’, sending the message that a child does not get to make decisions about their own body.
It’s whenever a child’s photo is posted online in an effort to shame them as a way of getting them to submit to an adult’s will.
It’s adults who believe they deserve automatic respect (most often defined as ‘obedience’) for nothing more than their greater age.
It’s children’s emotions being dismissed or stifled for adult comfort.
It’s every time children are talked about in a conversation as though they are not even in the room.
It’s rejoicing in their absence when it’s back-to-school time.
The term childism was coined in the early 1970s after which it remained a relevant concept within the realm of children’s rights. However, the term didn’t really enter mainstream discourse until the late psychotherapist and children’s rights activist, Elisabeth Young-Bruehl, wrote her groundbreaking work, Childism: Confronting Prejudice Against Children, which was published posthumously in 2012. Her mission in proposing that our culture adopt the word childism was not to “launch an inquiry into prejudice against children” but rather to establish a term that would “have political resonance, something that [could] operate as sexism did to raise our political consciousness” (page 8). According to Darcia F. Narvaez Ph.D., Young-Bruehl’s solution to childismcan be summarized in four actions:
Understand the ideas and institutions that perpetuate childism. See how it is manifest in individuals, families, institutions and the wider culture.
Educate society about the causes and meanings of these prejudices, and the harms they have done and continue to do.
Create program [sic] to repair the damage of childism, secure the progress that has been made and continue to work to eradicate the prejudice.
Demand full and equal civil and political rights for children.
Here, I need to pause and explain a disagreement among children’s rights advocates. Some people take issue with the way Young-Bruehl defined childism. They prefer the term adultism to mean “prejudice against children,” and they view childism as akin to feminism in that it is a term of empowerment for children. While I understand the arguments for using childism in this way, my fundamental disagreement rests in the systemic nature of childism which I use as akin to sexism. Children can both reinforce and internalize prejudice against themselves in addition to that prejudice being levied by older people. I believe that the term adultism risks suggesting that the issue is adults disliking children. That is not the case. Childism requires a cultural breach of humanity and is bolstered by harmful influences like White Supremacy Culture. You may disagree with me and that’s ok, but I do want to make clear why I use childism in the way I do.
Origin of the Scale
I’ve been thinking about developing an anti-childism scale for years. It’s been a long time coming. I initially got the idea from the work of Dr. Barnor Hesse, Associate Professor of African American Studies, Political Science, and Sociology at Northwestern University, who produced a scale of white identities that increasingly cultivate genuine anti-racism. For a text version of this list of The 8 White Identities, check out this post.
Based on Dr. Hesse’s work, I set out to form a similar scale toward the neutralization of childism that borrows from the Transtheoretical Model to foster growth and behavior change.
My scale is meant for personal reflection and self-improvement purposes only. I would be disappointed to see it used as a weapon against people who do not agree with my belief system. My hope is that it will get people thinking and give them an idea of where they stand with respect to embracing or rejecting childism.
The Anti-Childism Scale
The following six identities increasingly represent an anti-childist worldview and indicate the level of action a person is willing to take in opposition to childism.
The Dominator: Believes children must be controlled by adults and must be respectful of adult authority. Grants only minimal rights to children.
The Dominator aligns with traditional cultural values in which children effectively live their lives at the pleasure of the adults around them. This person has no insight into their own childism. Moving from this stage may prove the hardest as such movement requires a significant worldview shift.
The Inquirer: Questions the power dynamic between children and adults and is open to discussion. Continues to behave as Dominator-lite.
The Inquirer has realized something isn’t right and works to determine if childism is worth investigating or if it is nonsense. Moving through this stage may be frustrating as it sits on the cusp of full understanding.
The Convert: Accepts that children face discrimination at the hands of adults. But may be uncomfortable taking action beyond discussion.
The Convert is the first stage of intentional anti-childism work. This person is convinced that childism is unacceptable but is either uncertain or uncomfortable taking action. This person likely discusses actions and attitudes toward kids and validates the reality of children’s lived experiences.
The Critic: Regards children as deserving of protection from discrimination. Expresses beliefs when safe, but may not speak out when the cost is too high.
The Critic wants to help and is willing to speak up if doing so will not result in blowback. For instance, Critics may debate childism online but may not speak up in real life even when they know something is wrong. Moving from belief to action can be scary, but this person is making progress.
The Embracer: Recognizes children as equals in humanity and chooses inclusion whenever possible, even in the face of open criticism. Retains unexamined childism.
The Embracer actively advocates for kids and speaks up no matter who is listening. This is a transitional stage where we learn how to do what needs to be done and gain the courage to do it.
The Subverter: Elevates children in word and deed, believes children deserve equal rights as adults, understands that children have varying capacities to manage freedoms, meets children where they are, and encourages others to do the same. Seeks out and actively resolves internalized childism.
The Subverter is a powerhouse for kids, working alongside children rather than in place of them. This person understands that children are not helpless or unaware. As such, the Subverter seeks out the needs and wants of children and works toward true allyship. This is the person who speaks up when others don’t and boldly treats children with respect even in the face of chastisement from other adults. This person works to change societal views toward children and undermine institutional childism. This person is capable of starting a chain reaction up The Anti-Childism Scale and effects change through discussion, action, and activism to help others achieve elucidation.
Working Through the Scale
The Anti-Childism Scale is not strictly linear nor is it neat. There is transmutational space between each of the identities where we work through the discomfort of growth and struggle against our fears. Even as we take big steps, we will have moments when we slip back into a more comfortable state. It’s crucial to remember that this is not an all-or-nothing metamorphosis. Our choices matter, moment-by-moment, for life. Each new stage we enter brings us self-awareness and self-improvement, and it elevates children at the same time.
Some of the things we can do as caring adults to ensure the rights of children are:
Read and understand the 54 “Rights of the Child” as adopted by the United Nations. These are children’s most basic rights. We can do even better with a little effort.
Share the 54 “Rights of the Child” with our children so that they understand the standards to which they should hold all adults.
Consider how our choices affect our children and ask them for their input.
Respect our children’s names and avoid using them as a threat. (Most of us know what it means to be called your full name by a parent.)
Accept our children’s unique identity and genuinely see who our children really are.
Listen to our children’s opinions and be open to negotiation.
Recognize that children are intelligent. Assume competence and protect our children’s freedom of expression.
Give our children adequate privacy and access to information. Where issues of safety arise, work it out with the child, not for the child.
Find ways to teach and coach our children that do not involve punishments.
Provide our children with ample opportunities to play and rest.
I hope I’ve given you something to think about. You can expect more posts from me on childism and how to root it out. For now, I’d love to find out where you see yourself on the scale. And, of course, please feel free to share it to give others the same opportunity for self-exploration.