An Emotion Coaching How To

Over the weekend, a sweet friend of mine posted a story about her young daughter who knew just what to do when she saw her mother in distress. My friend owns Hoopla! Letters, a custom calligraphy business. (She has designed artwork for me and it is amazing. Shameless plug because, seriously, check her out. She’s been featured nationally.)

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This morning, I found out that a huge batch of orders I sent through the post office had either been misplaced or never picked up (the mystery remains), meaning I had to redo and reship everything. Needless to say, I was in quite a state about the loss of money and time. Wren was urgently trying to get my attention as I explained what happened to Dan, and exasperated, I asked her what she needed. She said “you need to take a deep breath, mama. One, two three…” And together we took a few deep breathes. “You feel better?” she said. And I did. ❤️ It was a very, very proud parenting moment. When Wren gets overwhelmed with feelings, this is what we do, and to see a two year old understand when we need to stop and take a breath was pretty magical. I want to send kudos to @peaceigiveblog which has been a godsend as we get through the tantrum age while in quarantine. She practices peaceful parenting and shares her tips and experiences, and I really cannot recommend it enough! And if you’re rolling your eyes at the phrase “peaceful parenting,” I’d like to direct you to the above paragraph. It may not be as immediately effective as time outs, but over time, it works so much better. Wren now asks for quiet time when she gets overwhelmed, making tantrums less and less frequent because she has the tools to take action on her own instead of waiting for us to intervene when she gets out of control. … As a total aside, this is what happens when the government defunds the post office – small business like mine who rely on online retail (you know, like we ALL do now) will be devastated. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I have been doing this for 8 years and this was the first time anything like this has ever happened. #savethepostoffice

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Her post was right on time for me as I’ve been needing to be reminded how important emotion coaching really is. For those who don’t know, emotion coaching is a way to positively communicate with children that gives them the skills they need to practice self-regulation.

Dr. John Gottman, of The Gottman Institute, has researched and practiced emotion coaching for decades, and he has boiled down his approach to five steps. I’m going to keep this blog post brief and let it stand as a reminder on how we can best help our children through their big emotions. I hope you will return to it, as I will, when you need a little boost.

Five Steps of Emotion Coaching
Dr. John Gottman

Step 1. Be aware of your child's emotions

Step 2. Recognize emotion as an opportunity for connection or teaching

Step 3: Help your child verbally label emotions

Step 4: Communicate empathy and understanding

Step 5: Set limits and problem solve

Step 1: Be aware of your child’s emotions.

One of the most basic tenets of Peaceful Parenting is that we must be tuned into our kids. In our childist culture that minimizes children’s emotions as being nonsense, it is revolutionary for a parent to recognize that our children’s emotions are as important as ours. A child’s experience after losing a beloved toy can be akin to an adult’s experience after losing a cherished piece of inherited heirloom jewelry. The grief and frustration exist no matter how old a person is. When we understand that our children’s emotions are of great importance, we can begin to pay attention and sense how our children are doing at any point in time.

Step 2: Recognize emotion as an opportunity for connection or teaching.

If you’ve ever heard (or, like me, been told) “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about,” you’ll know how devastating it can be for a child to have their emotions brushed off like they’re worthless. As Peaceful Parents, we reject the idea that children’s emotions should be suppressed or ignored. We take it a step further and find ways to connect with our kids even in their most volatile emotional states. In many cases, what this looks like is being a non-judgmental presence for the child as they cycle through their feelings.

Step 3: Help your child verbally label emotions.

This step is tough for many adults to do even for ourselves. Often, we don’t know how we feel. We may be too overwhelmed or out of touch with ourselves. But, this practice is crucial to processing our experiences. Have you ever seen an emotion wheel? There are many versions of them and they all look a little something like this:

An emotion wheel can be a helpful tool in helping both children and adults identify what it is they’re feeling and back track to what generated the feeling. With my very young children, I generally stick with the basics. I might say, “You’re feeling angry that brother took your toy.” For older children, I would offer possible feeling labels in collaboration with the child.

Step 4: Communicate empathy and understanding.

This step does get easier with time, but I’m confident in saying that most of us were not raised to be comfortable with other people’s emotions and most of the time, we really don’t quite know what to say. If you find yourself in that situation with your child, try one of these:

“That’s really hard.”

“I understand why you’re [state feeling]”

“I would feel the same way.”

“I’m here as long as you need me.”

“I love you.”

Repeating back what your child has said can also be an effective way of demonstrating that you’re listening with the intent to understand.

Step 5: Set limits and problem solve.

Once the crisis has passed, it’s important to pause and address what caused the upset in the first place. In some cases, it is helpful and informative to set a reasonable limit. Remember, though, limits are not punishments. Responding punitively can easily undo the work you’ve put into connecting with your child.

Recently, my soon-to-be 5 year old, abandoned one toy in search of another. Since we practice turn-taking in our home, the toy was fair game and his little sister picked it up to play with it. When my son returned, he became enraged, even though he had long since moved on. I went through the process of pausing to co-regulate with him, empathizing with his feelings of anger and envy, and reminding him that it was his sister’s turn and he could play with the toy when she had finished. She overheard the entire conversation, and guess what? She brought the toy to him. In her precious toddler heart, she empathized with his feelings and realized he wanted the toy more than she did.

And, that brings me back full circle to my friend and her wonderful daughter who, through the experience of co-regulating with her mother time and again, recognized her mother’s distress and did exactly what had been modeled for her. That is the power of Peaceful Parenting. We model gentleness and prioritize our relationships with our kids. Then, our kids turn around and reflect it all back to us in the most beautiful ways.